Hello all. This is my supplemental essay under Boston College, and I would like some feedback for my rough draft so my application can be submitted real soon. Thank you.
1. Human beings have a creative side that tends to shine most when we are truly invested in the world around us. Describe a situation when you responded effectively to a particular need and found yourself at your creative best. (400 word-limit)
I peeked once more through the blinds, holding them open with my thumb and index finger. Gazing out onto the eastern Albany horizon blanketed with the emanating luster of the constellations under Grandma's barn, I would enjoy looking at them and learning something new about them. Since I first encountered the constellations, my curiosity in the sciences proliferates to this day and beyond.
My nine-year-old self would wonder how a cannon would make a ball blast off into a parabola motion depending on the angle, or how the universe expands, or anything that has to do with the laws of nature. At an early age, I enjoyed reading science articles, from whether or not time traveling would exist to a possibility of having a human community on Mars. From that moment, I just could not forget about excitement filling me while revealing the truth hidden by nature behind everyday affairs. We, humans, are curious creatures, and Physics is a way that I can express how the Laws work these days. Once I got into Physics, learning gives me tremendous admiration for the subject.
But, the only problem about my passion for Physics is this: "Why do you love science? God created everybody and everything. You're an atheist you don't like God" Grandma would say. I crumble my hard work and articles in frustration when I first heard those words. I would cry in my bed one night while the constellations look at me with sympathy. One morning I looked at my Grandma with contempt, but I still love her. I looked at her with a gentle look and said: "Yes, God created everything. God is all good and all powerful, and he created science as a way to learn how he created everything. I love science because it is a way for me to communicate with God with the laws of motion and exploration in many dimensions. Therefore, I don't hate God Nana. . ." Grandma barely understood half of what I said since Albanian is her native language, but she understood my point of the argument. After that, I received the warmest hug from her, and she made me my favorite chocolate pancakes while I watch the Discovery Channel. Science and God have the same sublimity in my heart and God gave me a reason for who I am. I feel that God gave me a genuine and creative connection with myself and Physics. For that, I love nobody more than my family and God.
In my heart, I am a physicist who loves God, and he and Boston College are my positive deceleration parameter that can accelerate my dreams into a reality as picturesque as the constellations in the sky.
If you read this far thank you for reading it. Although I'm proud of my essay, I believe that I'm missing something else very meaningful between me and God that I find hard to express. Please help!
Hello Ndushaj,
Congratulations for your passion in Science. I think your essay is a good fit for "Why do you like Science". But I don't think it is responding to "Describe a situation when you responded effectively to a particular need and found yourself at your creative best". You should clearly mention what the "situation" was and then what the "need" was because of that "situation". Then explain how have you creatively found a solution and responded effectively to that "need". And also, when you are talking about Physics, try to use the scientific facts rather than the religious concepts which mostly are personal and subjective.
I would recommend you focus on the words "situation", "need", "your respond", "how was it effective" then come up with an outline of your ideas, then support your ideas with scientific concepts.
@mualla
You clearly demonstrate your passion for science. However, rather than being generic, try to describe an anecdote to show this passion. Remember, undergrad admission essays are based on SHOW, DO NOT TELL. hope this will help you. I also agree with mualla, avoid referring to religion in your essays, some people might take it as offensive. Best of luck
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Nicholas, first and foremost, your essay is besieged by an age problem. As much as possible, you should not make reference to age in any essay, specially when speaking of an experience that happened long before the age of consciousness and understanding (13 and above). Next, the situation that you are presenting is more applicable to a personal statement rather than a personal best essay.
For this essay, you must think of a scenario where you found yourself needing to solve a solution in a creative manner. Think of say, getting a flat tire on the road without access to a towing service. When you checked the equipment for changing tires, you found out that the angle wrench was not among the tools. But there was, a monkey wrench in the tool box so you used the wrench to take the nuts off the tire so you could replace it.
That is an example of a creative presentation of a situation where you responded effectively and showed a creative best in your personality. There is nothing like that reflected in your current essay so you cannot use this essay for this prompt. I have given you an example of a scenario that applies to the prompt. All you have to do now is find your own scenario to write about.
I agree with @holt and @mualla i think it is the perfect essay for "Why do you like Science", but the way you wrote it kind of takes an off-road fro the prompt. Oh, and the first paragraph's imagery is the bomb!
Hello again! Thank you all for your honest feedback. I believe I fixed up my essay for the prompt, but doing so made my word count exceed to about 480 words. Besides that, here is my fixed essay for the prompt:
I peeked once more through the blinds, holding them open with my thumb and index finger. Gazing out onto the eastern horizon blanketed with the emanating luster of the constellations, I would enjoy looking at them and learning something new about them. My brain probably felt into a turbulence or something, but as I looked at the constellations I asked myself, "What if our solar system had formed farther from the center of the Milky Way?"
I have been absorbing scientific ideas from general cosmology that I have been researching to raise questions about our universe. At first, I thought figuring out the solution to what would happen would be simple since our lives would be somewhat similar to the standard position of our solar system. I was still unconvinced. Unfortunately, I barely received plausible explanations of the major question from my teachers and classmates who I trust. However, I felt determined to get a valid hypothesis.
After careful examination, I come to an original theory that the "edge" is rather difficult to define for the Milky Way. Stars occur more infrequently, but there is a "halo" of sorts stretching extremely far out. It is not like a dinner plate where half a millimeter beyond the edge there is no more dinner plate. But rather like our atmosphere where 10-kilometers from the Earth's surface there is a far too little atmosphere to breathe but there are many molecules and even clouds.
After that conclusion, I came across a "colleague" Jake at school who gave me a different approach. After tons of research with him, my knowledge expanded beyond this casual level into a realm where physics and cosmology found beautiful, synergistic intersections. I was determined to apply what I had learned and got to work.
We came to another approach that even though the new position at the edge of the galaxy gives our planet only approximately ⅓ of the metallic elements, it's still plenty to support life on Earth. However, lower metallicity means that gas-giants like Big Brother Jupiter would be put to doom, which can increase the Earth's vulnerability of nearby asteroids and such since there is no gravity from them to protect us. Also, we theorized that planets like Jupiter also provided us with ice-containing asteroids millions of years ago, which gave us our oceans. Therefore, where we are positioned now is safer than at the edge of the milky way.
What began as a seemingly dubious idea fed my passion for astrophysics. This project not only allowed me to apply isolated academic principles I had studied practically, but it also pushed me to traverse multiple situations to solve problems creatively. Overall, I believe that this experiment and Boston College are my positive deceleration parameter that can accelerate my dreams as an astrophysicist into a reality as picturesque as the constellations in the sky.
I would be totally appreciative if I receive some feedback for this one. Thank you all
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 Nicholas, you still don't get it. You are being way too academic in your approach to this problem when all you need is a practical approach. You are offering a highly complicated problem when you are being asked to present simple discussions. Let me see if I can present another way of discussing this essay in a manner that you might better understand.
Let us say that your parents went away and locked up the house while you were at a friend's house. So you got home to find the door locked. Your parents did not give you a copy of the key to the door and they did not leave an extra copy for you to use when they left. You badly need to get into the house because it is raining and you are still recovering from your last bout with a cold. How do you get in? That is the side that has you truly invested in getting into the house.
The creative solution you came up with? You know that the house had 2 floors and your do not lock your bedroom window. So the only way into the house is to have you climb up the trellis outside your room window, open the window, and enter the house from there. That is the creative solution you needed to use.
Try to lower your sights regarding the content of the essay. You need to present something creative that shows how you can manage to use practical experience to solve everyday problems that you are invested in. You are not trying to win the Noble Prize, you are just trying to show off your problem solving skills the way the prompt wants you to.
@Holt
Yes I have to agree with Holt. You need to present something you approached more "creatively" rather than something that is academic. The essay you have written now is good but it does not fit in with with what the prompt is asking for. You probably had a problem or a time when you needed to find a creative solution. Tell us about that time. These supplements, like Holt always says, serve as your preeleminary interview. The interviewer wants to know you, the non-academic Nicholas. And make sure you are unique in your responses. Since this is about a time you needed to think creatively this won't be too hard. I'll read your next revision when you are finished.
@ndushaj
Your essay is way to maudlin and abstract.
I think what BC wants you to do is to provide a problem and a solution in a practical setting..
