Boston U essay- three qualities (inquisitive, trustworthy, passionate)

this is my BU essay, and i'm not sure how well it turned out! whatever you have to say is appreciated! thank you!
btw, it's exactly 500 words...

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

How you see yourself is more important than how others see you. It's not that it is not important to be seen in a good light- it is that it is better to know and love yourself first. That makes the words you describe yourself with important. To take a word and assign it to yourself is bold. To proclaim to the world that that word defines you even more so.
 But here I am, about to tell you and the world what three words I think define me- describe me- best.

I believe that you can not live life until you question it. There is no point in blindly following something- if you do only as others do, how can you find your own self? That is why a word I have chosen is inquisitive. I am proud that I constantly question my beliefs and the world around me. Last year, I had the opportunity to take an AP English class. We explored questions like why we raise our children as we do and why we speak as we do. I was able to question every concept, and have that question be taken seriously. It was exhilarating.

I was taught to "watch out for strangers". As humans, we are wary of everyone that comes our way. We do not trust strangers, for we have no relationship. Trust makes a relationship, and I pride myself on being a trustworthy person. As the oldest of her second "set" of daughters, it is important for me to keep my mother's trust. I remain trustworthy by having good friends and neither partying nor staying out late. We have built our relationship on that, just as I built my relationship with my friends out of trust. My friends and I keep each other's secrets and help each other through hard times, of which there are many.

I believe in putting my all into every project, and so I see myself as passionate. I put my passion into every club I am in, always reaching for higher goals. It is because I am passionate about the Arts that I have been on the Drama Club board for four years, and because I am passionate about my faith that I am Co-President of my school's Christian Club. However, what really drives me is my passion for equality. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves equal treatment, and I am the first to point out discrepancies in the way people are treated.

These qualities will make me a good addition to Boston University. With inquisitiveness, I can liven up classroom discussions. By being trustworthy, I will give my professors the knowledge that I will always turn my papers in on time, and will be a great addition to organizations around campus. With passion, I can help make those organizations grow, and by being passionate about equality, can help ensure that BU community remains as diverse and as open-minded as it has in the past.

Hi, I'm starting to write my BU supplements as well.
And I came across your essay.. I think it's a bit vague, as in you go around in circles in the beginning. Don't make the reader go "Huh?" and make everything more explicit, which will then help the flow of the paragraphs.

I like to have parallelism in my essays, so maybe you could try to list the three words that describe you the best in a formatted way, rather than just stating them out whenever you want to.

Hope that helps!

I completely agree with you, but try a stronger beginning sentence. Something that means the same thing, but will be like, Wow! What does this person have the say next? A 'grabber' as some teachers have called it.


I'm confused about this, we (the humans?) have no relationship (singular?) with whom? Clarify this statement. We do not trust strangers because we don't have relationships, we don't have relationships BECAUSE we don't trust strangers. Its the other way around, unless there was a typo in there...


Is it knowledge your giving them? or a sense of security? I don't think knowledge is the right word here.

Otherwise, its a good essay you answered the prompt exactly as it was intended.

However, what really drives me is my passion for equality. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves equal treatment, and I am the first to point out discrepancies in the way people are treated.

Do you have any examples to support this? It's good, but I think you need something more concrete to back it up. You have evidence for the previous statements, but not this one.

There is no point in blindly following somethingIt is pointless to blindly follow along - if you do only as others do, how can you find your own self?

Good essay, and other than the suggestions I posted above I didn't see any issues. Care to comment on my BU essay? It'd be much appreciated!

p.s. I have a BU essay too, if you could check it out that would be fantastic!

To proclaim to the world that that word defines you- even more so.

But here I am, about to tell you and the world what three words I think define me- describe me- best. This part adds to your tone as an author, but not much else. If you want to make room for other words, this would be good to take out.

We have built our relationship on that, just as I built my relationship with my friends: out of trust.

I put my passion into every club I am in, always reaching for higher goals.
These two phrases should be either separated in two or combined differently. Maybe add "I'm" before "always"

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Oh my gosh. This is such an honest, straightforward, impressive essay.
I dont even know you but I get the sense that you are a very great person!
You must have put a lot of effort into this, its something to be proud of, for sure. :]
Its wierd to say, but you sound a lot like me- very open to life.
I think we'd make good friends. XD
Anyways, good luck with your application. You already have a head start with this brialliant piece. Your style is superb.

I would be most moved if you could make the time to stop by my essays as well.
My newest is for Brown: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/brown-essay s-brown-major-dont-know-13951/

It's a great sentiment that you have in the first sentence, but it could be worded better. Generally, I don't start sentences with "How" unless they are interrogative sentences (i.e. questions). You'd do well to stick to that rule. Your second sentence again contains worthwhile meaning, however you must express it more powerfully. Your third sentence is a fragment. Your fourth sentence is also a fragment. Your fifth sentence is a fragment. Your sixth sentence should be discarded.

Your work shows thought and consideration and intelligence, but you must end the habit of using little words and beating around the bush. Try to vary your sentence structure and show fluidity in your style.

thank you all for your suggestions! They've really helped! i'll be sure to return the favor!