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Boston University 3 words (curious, straightforward, indomitable)

rockonfreak22 2 / 4  
Jan 3, 2010   #1
I can't believe I didn't think use this website until the last day. please help me!! i love essay forum and would love to get advice from anyone on how to improve my supplement. THANKS!

Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

In order to find the words that best describe my personality, I reflected back to my childhood. What did I discover? As a child, I was curious, straightforward, and energetic. In other words, I was a "spirited child".

Ever since I was little, I have been curious of my surroundings. I was the kid who strayed away from her parents in public places to explore and whose name was announced on the PA system because I was lost. I would have been the gullible child in stories who pressed the big red button that said "Do Not Touch" just to see what happened. Today, I have focused my inquisitiveness toward more rewarding aspects of life. Learning new hobbies or succeeding at school have been embedded into my journey of exploration. My insatiable appetite to discover the unknown has inspired me to take chances, attempt new activities, and to investigate all options.

When I was younger, I would blurt out all my opinions without much thought. I had little self-restraint, and would often get into awkward situations. I had the habit of approaching strangers and asking, "Why are you smoking? That's bad for you!" I would ask large women when their babies were due. But today, I use my direct personality in a more positive way. My peers count on me to say things as they appear, and to not shy away from the task. I stay true to myself, so people know what to expect from me.

I was a kid who was always on the go. My parents could never take me out to restaurants because I could never stay still. There was no stopping me. My energy used to hinder my capabilities to do well in school. But over time, I used my dynamism to become more successful in life. I became more competitive, putting all my vigor into becoming a better basketball player, a better academic student, and a better employee. I have become a strong woman who can face challenges with a fighting spirit without ever giving up. I am driven, motivated, and determined to overcome whatever complication comes my way.

I was a handful as a child, but have now matured enough to use my characteristics in better ways. I took my trouble-making traits with me into adulthood, and transformed them into invaluable qualities that will be useful at BU. My curiosity has sparked my desire to explore, research and take advantage of all opportunities the college and city has to offer. My straightforwardness will show my integrity to my professors, and my commitment and work ethic will be clear to them. My energy will keep me intent on pursuing my passions and achieving my goals at Boston University.

Word count:

P.S. Should I add more about myself now in each category or do you think I have enough? I can take any criticism, so be harsh if needed. thanks again!
nikkicp 1 / 1  
Jan 3, 2010   #2
Honestly, I don't think you need to add anymore about yourself. It is a very clear essay and it kept my attention the whole time I was reading it. I liked it alot.
surideku - / 4  
Jan 3, 2010   #3
Today, I have focused my inquisitiveness toward more rewarding things (noooo...more formal! maybe "aspects of life", (put period) like [L]earning new hobbies or succeeding at school (have been embedded into my journey of exploration) My insatiable appetite to explore and discover(discover what?) inspires me to take chances, attempt new things (another word...), and to investigate all options.

Love the second paragraph's humor except for last sentence because this is the third time you used "things" ...
"My peers count on me to say things(another word) as they are (maybe: "as the way they appear", and not(to) shy away from the task. I stay true to myself, so people know what to expect from me.

Third paragraph...be a little more formal:
"But (However,) my plans were interrupted minutes later by my camp counselor who carried me hastily (hastily carried me)back to the bathrooms to wash myself off. When my parents instructed me to do as I was told, I couldn't resist to retort with,(put a period) "but why"But why?")?" I was the child who couldn't just accept what people told me; I had to discover things (ahhh another word) on my own.

So, here's the dilemma: you're at 501 words, and if anything you need to cut it down. I personally think you have enough about yourself and i love your examples and the last paragraph was phenomenal. Just pay attention to 3 aspects: make more formal, cut down "things", and cut down anything that you feel is not needed. If you look at the bright side, you only need to cut out one word, and you'll be in the word limit.

Hope this helps:) And let me know if you have any questions.
If you do have time, can you edit my BU supplement essay? That would be awesome.
gswaminath - / 3  
Jan 3, 2010   #4
more current anecdotes would be good, but use whatever you think is more emotionally powerful and invokes more pathos. add specific examples (anecdotes, what you learned from an acitivity, etc etc) as to how you exhibit each quality; you are merely stating claims and not backing your points up with evidence. and it would be great if you can improve your transition between paragraphs, since it seems like you're laundry-listing.
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #5
Okee dokee

I sent it to your email :)
davidgoes 5 / 13  
Jan 4, 2010   #6
I feel as though your first three paragraphs don't portray the best side of you, and remember that the prompt says how will you use those traits to CONTRIBUTE to the bu community, try to answer that part or give solid examples to positively reinforce your characteristics. It might too late too change your essay, but good luck.

Please give me feedback too! much appreciated thank you, sorry if i came through as very critical I just want to help.

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