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CU Boulder entrance essay about diversity and how i can contribute

optimuspantz 1 / 1  
Aug 9, 2010   #1
prompt: The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

I wake up at noon like clockwork. These last lazy days of summer are winding down yet the college admission process is winding up but I feel as though this process might not be too hectic for me. I can easily say that The University of Colorado Boulder is where I can see myself living and learning for the next four years. Through both being an asset to the population and fulfilling my goals I feel as though I would be more than just a number.

When people hear the word diversity, their first thought is usually race or ethnic background. I've been filling in the African American bubble on tests for years, so to some people my race spells diverse. Yet I pride myself on the underground indie bands that mainstream kids haven't heard of and my sterling silver nose ring that makes a statement on its own. I feel as though I have more to offer than just the color of my skin, my experiences and future plans will contribute to the CU community.

I grew up in a military household which meant that the new kid at school and every neighbor that moved in down the street had been uprooted from a far away state or country. My childhood best friend was German American and never hesitated to teach me her native tongue, while another wide eyed youngster shared Filipino pudding with me. These were interesting and sometimes mindboggling events but no matter our differences we all had one thing in common: MTV. It's a television network known for its groundbreaking shows, especially the now cancelled TRL. This show combined the two greatest things, music and launching celebrity careers. No one can deny the vibrant artists that graced the TV screen, but that wasn't what kept me hooked. The behind the scenes footage of the hundreds of people making the show come alive was fascinating to me. I have always loved working with a team whether on the track field or on a project for a science class, but combining this with the exciting field of entertainment is what I strive for. For this reason I plan to major in Media Studies.

I can't think of a better place to pursue a major in Media Studies than CU. Not only do the courses and internship possibilities sound exciting, but being able to return to Colorado and experiencing a real winter and the possibility to snowboard for the first time is amazing, not to mention so many things Boulder has to offer. I also plan to stay active through the community and have every intention of going greek and joining Theta Nu Xi. From the beautiful rocky mountain back drop to the undeniable sense of pride that's shared by the student body and faculty it would be an honor to attend this fall. I would be honored to call myself a true CU buff for life.

my thoughts are a little jumbled on this one. when i read to myself it sounds really choppy
winstonli 6 / 15  
Aug 9, 2010   #2
i like your essay a lot. it really tells admissions what kind of a person you are. i give you props for using so many examples. these are really important because it creates an image of you and your surroundings in the reader's mind. maybe tone down on how much you want to go to this school because you dont want to sound desperate or anything. good luck on admissions!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 11, 2010   #3
Hi Bria, is your username a weird transformers reference? hahah...

I wake up at noon like clockwork. --- so far, I have read only this sentence, but I think it is likely that I will recommend against saying this at the start. There are students who get up early, driven by their passion for a particular field of study or set of goals.

As I read the first para, I see that this method of introducing the essay is unhelpful. There is no need to tell the reader you sleep til noon.

You are telling a bunch of random things here. Military household, nose ring, culture... but what is the overarching theme for it all?
For this reason I plan to major in Media Studies.--- here is where it gets meaningful. The reader wants to know about your plan for the future.

...experiencing a real winter and the possibility to snowboard ...here, it starts to digress again.

Use this as a brainstorming exercise; read it again and ask yourself what message you want the reader to remember. Look again at the prompt and use some of the words they use: a diverse, inclusive community, academic excellence, leadership...

Use some of those words as you expound your single, important message. :-)

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