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CU boulder essay; influential person - parents; My father has taught me lessons in life


diegoarch 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2012   #1
The prompt is, Who are the influential people in your life? How have they contributed to your
development as a person?
Could someone give me some feed back? Word limit is 250 and I think it should be 242 right now. Thanks

The people that have shaped me into who I am today and who have had the greatest influence on my life so far would be my parents. My mother has been through a lot of difficulties in her life, being the only surviving member of her family from Singapore. She pursued her Bachelor's degree from Colorado State University Pueblo while raising my sister and I alone after our parents divorced. I learned to persevere in life and overcome any obstacle that holds me back. Also, with little support from anyone just the will power to succeed is a trait that makes her an extraordinary person.

My father has taught me lessons in life that I am sure will help me succeed to become a hardworking, honest, and intelligent man. In everything that I do, whether it is sports, academics, or social life my father pushes me to exceed the standards. He is dedicated to our family, supporting us financially and morally. The morals I go by in life I set because of him always pushing me to be a respectful, kindhearted person. Every goal that I have set, he is there to help me reach or surpass. I reach out to him for help in different situations, but he only gives me enough advice so I am able to accomplish tasks myself. In conjunction my parents have taught me how to excel academically, socially, and as a person contributing to the world.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #2
This is a good essay. I can suggest a few alterations though.

Also, with little support from anyone just the will power to succeed is a trait that makes her an extraordinary person.

This sentence has some issues. I suggest:
She had very little support from anyone but her will to succeed in life is a trait makes her an extraordinary person.

My father has taught me lessons in life that I am sure will help me succeed to become a hardworking, honest, and intelligent man. In everything that I do, whether it is sports, academics, or social life my father pushes me to exceed the standards.

This is an important part of your essay since you have already shown that your mother had done a lot for your family.
My father too has always been by my side. He has guided me through life and has helped me reach the goals I have set for myself and at times helped me surpass them. My father's dedication would no doubt help me become a hardworking,honest and intelligent man.

Hope my suggestions are helpful.
:)
askelliott 4 / 8 1  
Dec 1, 2012   #3
Your essay is solid and gets your point. But you want to be more specific than being merely general on how your parents were supportive of you. Maybe describe your parents consistency at every game you had or for your dad, what morals meant the most to you and have impacted you the most. But that's just my idea cause it's always good to go down into specifics.
OP diegoarch 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2012   #4
Thanks both ill make some adjustments but I want to go into more specifics but don't have much room to write really.
Millin Gabani 10 / 22 1  
Dec 11, 2012   #5
Try to get the points more straightly, instead of going round and round and avoid the sentence like " who i am today ". For instance:

"The people that have shaped me into who I am today and who have had the greatest influence on my life so far would be my parents

can be better understood if written this way :

"My Parents have had greatest influence on my life so far, they are the one who shaped my personality."


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