Grammar Comments:
My mother at 17 unfortunately, wasn't writing college essays; she was writing checks for diapers at the local grocery store.
The comma should be taken out after the word "unfortunately."
At four years oldWhen I was four years old my mother made the best decision for her family; she left my father and continued a single life with her two kids ages 4 and 5 in Vernal, Utah.
The original sentence makes it sound as if your mother was four years old when she made this decision.
It took the hard way to figure out school, and how important it really was.
The comma after the word "and" should be taken out.
My junior year of high school was not my strongest year, continuing into the summer of 2013 where I found myself flustered with all the mistakes I had made.
This sentence should be rearranged. Consider the following: "My junior year of high school was not my strongest year. I found that at this time I had become flustered with all of the mistakes that I had made." In my rewrite I broke the sentence into two for clarity and I took out information that may be irrelevant. (You will have to decide for yourself what is and isn't relevant, as it is impossible for me to know the circumstances of the situation.)
I found out who I was as well as who the person I wanted to be was.
Colleges usually want to get a good taste of who their applicants are. Can you elaborate on this by describing the person that you want to be? I would also consider changing the tense of this sentence. You could, for xeample, write it like this: "I found out who I am as well as who I want to be."
I want to be successful in my life, and I feel that with my motivation and determination I would be great addition to the CU community in Boulder, Colorado.
Here it would be best to present specific example of situations where you have displayed motivation and determination. Everyone wants to be successful, and anyone can say that they are motivated and determined. Your job as a writer is to prove (through specific examples) that you have these qualities.
Content comments:
Be sure to read the prompt carefully and address the prompt clearly. As a refresher, here's what the prompt says:
Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record, as well as any adversities you have over come.
Your first sentence is adequate as it addresses something that may have affected you academic record and may be considered an adversity that you've had to overcome.
The rest of the paragraph has some information that may be useful but it is incomplete. The most important information that I gained from these sentences is that your mom was a low-income teen-mom who had to make the choice to leave your dad when you were a young child. No one in your family has ever gone to college. This has affected you and your academics in many ways.
It important that you elaborate by explaining how specifically this has affected you and your academics.
My junior year of high school was not my strongest year, continuing into the summer of 2013 where I found myself flustered with all the mistakes I had made.
Describe the mistakes that you have made and how you overcame them. By explaining how yu overcame your mistakes, it is likely that you will also be offering "proof" of your motivation and determination. Also how did overcoming these challenges (the mistakes you made) lead you to a better understanfing of who you want to be?
General Comment:
Remember that you goal is to demonstrate to the college that you have the skills and attitude that is necessary to succeed in college. It is important to be honest and open about your mistakes, but it is also important to highlight you strengths. If you write about specific examples of situations where your motivation and determination has allowed you to succeed, then you will be showing the college that you are applying to that you have a good attitude and that you can handle challenging situations.
