Hey all,
I'd love to get some feedback on my essay. It's my first draft and I quickly finished it just to see whether or not my ideas are working and flowing (it's due in nine days! >.<) I also need help with title ideas ...
Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)
"Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Being close to nature and living under a tent of emerald skies was a welcome change to Vancouver's downtown lights. I'll never forget that final night atop Mount Garibaldi; not for the beauty of the moonlight hitting the midnight Earth, or the stars which fell within arms reach. No. I'll remember being part of the 45-person circle of hikers, peers and friends, gathering to express our gratitude for one another.
Hiking up Mount Garibaldi was one of the most arduous things I've had to do in the Duke of Edinburgh program. Despite my mental and physical preparation, I was still blindsided by how strenuous it became to put one foot in front of the other. Over the four days, I was consistently reminded of Sisyphus, hauling my 42-pound backpack to a destination that never seemed to get any closer. Yet, this physical strain was nothing compared to the guilt which swam through my mind. I was hyperaware of the fact that I was slowing down the entire group. All I could do was continue my lethargic pace and pray that no one was disappointed in me.
At the end of each program expedition, our group forms a circle and each individual is given the chance to say their thank-yous. Standing side-by-side, we were all reminded of our nighttime bathroom buddies and stuck-in-the-mud rescuers. I was absolutely enthralled by our exchange of words, and as it reached my time turn, I knew exactly what I would say. I thanked everyone for their patience and encouraging words. I thanked them for their nurturing smiles and sweaty hugs at the end of each day. I thanked them for never leaving me behind. I'm sure that no one was surprised by what I said - I, however, was surprised by what they had to say to me. They returned my heartfelt words, and more importantly, let me know that my fervent determination to succeed was never disappointing.
A teacher once told me that "one of the best ways to learn is to take risks and experience life outside of your comfort zone," and this is something I've learned to embrace through the support of my school community. It's difficult to challenge your fears and overcome adversity, but having a strong community makes all the difference. When you know there are people to catch you if you fall, a risk no longer seems daunting, but rather exciting and inspirational.
Bowdoin has me excited to explore all of the diverse knowledge in this world. I want to continue taking risks, and I know that at Bowdoin, the community will be there to help me through my failures and celebrate my triumphs. But it's a two-way street, and I know that I will always be there to help others, too; I am ready to make my contribution. By sharing our strengths and determination, we can make a community work. My passion to discover life is intense, and I want to be at a school with people who can show me different ways to realize these ambitions. Without a doubt, Bowdoin is this perfect place.
It's really touching.
However, isn't it too long?
After curtailing it, just submit it.
They'll accept you for sure.
Thanks for responding.
I'm really confused about how to phrase the fourth paragraph. Any grammatical help would be greatly appreciated. :)
...was a welcome change after having lived in Vancouver's downtown lights.
They thanked me for my incessant jokes and conversation, which kept the mood light-hearted.
Bowdoin has me excited about exploring the...
Just a few corrections and ideas... I hope you find great success!!
"Things" is usually a weak word: ...most arduous things challenges I've had to face in the Duke of Edinburgh program.
...explore all of the diverse sources knowledge about this world.
It is really good, these are just ideas.
That last paragraph is still very general. I wonder if you could condense the sentiment about giving and receiving help, and instead write something specific -- a club you might start, for example. That last paragraph is nice, but sort of soft. Infuse it with some specificity! :)
Thanks for the help, EF_Kevin! :)
I was wondering if this would work:
Bowdoin has me excited to explore all of the diverse knowledge in this world. Whether it's getting lost in the Maine mountains as an OCer, or performing at Studzinski Recital Hall, or teaching students through the Teacher Scholars program - I want to do all of this and so much more. I want to continue taking risks, and I know that at Bowdoin, the community will be there to help me through my failures and celebrate my triumphs ...
*OCer = Outing Clubber ... I know that this is what they call the members of the Outing Club, but is it okay to use it in my essay?
Outing clubber is confusing. It is better to accommodate the reader by using a different term...
The prospect of attending Bowdoin has me excited about exploring all of the diverse knowledge in this world. Whether it's Getting lost in the Maine mountains with the Outing Club, performing at Studzinski Recital Hall, and teaching students through the Teacher Scholars program - I want to do all of this and so much more. I want to continue taking risks, and I know that at Bowdoin the community will be there to help me through my failures and celebrate my triumphs ...-----> great ending!!
