Any suggestions will be appreaciated. Thank you!^___^
Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)
It was gloomy. On the crowded street, people ignoring the silent red light shuttled in the flowing of vehicles. I, alone, standing on the edge, waited for the hazy light turning green.
The campus on this raining Sunday afternoon looked desolate. There are only rainwater and fallen leaves on the basketball court. I walked in the dim building, occasionally passing by a lighted classroom with two students working with their heads down. Second room on the left on the fifth floor, I took out the keys, turned the handle. It opened.
The light wood fragrance emitted by the guitars and drums dispersed the bleak air. The studio was messy as usual. It looked just like an ideal place to play music.
I picked up the guitar leaning on the corner, unconsciously fiddled the strings with my thumb. Listened carefully, then I adjusted the string one by one. After hitting several chords, my numbed fingers warmed up. I turned around to search for the scores I did not finish practicing yesterday. They were a little bit broken, but still good to use.
It was not easy to maintain a rock band. Leaving the pressure of the study aside, it was already amazing to get over the slackness after several weeks of illusionary excitement and insist forwarding. I have seen too many ambitious clubs collapsed in the first month. Being in the band would not add scores on my test, neither would it make my college application look better. People wondered why I am so serious. Would abiding the mainstream be much easier, like anyone else?
I think that thought is too utilitarian. I am not keeping this band for anything else, but its own sake. I enjoy it. We are always told to aim far, but sometimes we forget to enjoy the path under our feet. That is something more real, more worth valuing. If we care about tomorrow all the time, what we did today is not important any more. Even though we are working hard today for tomorrow, we could not feel the satisfaction of achieving anything. In this busy city, on this pompous campus, it feels so good to just put my head down to do the things I purely love. I love my band, not only the nights on the stage where we pour our minds into our music and receive all the screams and applause, but also on my way to school for practice every Sunday afternoon, the crowded bus, the narrow path and the twinkling traffic lights.
Located on the far north in Maine, Bowdoin would be the best place to whisk off the dust and drown my heart into what I love. Not too close to the huge metropolis, Bowdoin establishes the perfect atmosphere to walk, to dig and to achieve.
I was wondering whether the part of bowdoin is too little that I have to add more, especially something detailed, like XXX program?
Thank you again.
You are not answering the prompt here, which is, "Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's?"
You didn't say anything about educational experience, academics, what you plan to study...
You are a very good writer though;
There are only rainwater and fallen leaves on the basketball court. is great, and so is this; Bowdoin establishes the perfect atmosphere to walk, to dig and to achieve.
Thank you for your suggestions. It seems that I have to redo it.
But could you please still revise it? Because it may be used for some other supplement essays.
And PS: Would it be possible that I can contact you privately? If you think this as inappropriate, then sorry and I take it back. But it would be an honor if you do so. Thank you so much!
I'll edit it for you, but it's great that Susan caught the mistake about not answering the prompt.
Sentence fragment here:
On the crowded street, people ignored the ...
Alone, and standing on the edge of the curb, I wa ited for the hazy light turning green.
I picked up the guitar leaning on the corner and began unconsciously fiddling the strings with my thumb. Listening carefully, then I adjusted the string one by one.
Leaving the pressure of studies aside, it was
already amazing to get over the slackness after several weeks of illusory success and insist on making progress--- I don't know if I corrected this right! I don't know what you were trying to say.
I have seen too many ambitious clubs collapse in the first...
How do you mean to use the word utilitarian? It does not seem to belong here. That thought seems too... hmmm... see if you can think of a word besides utilitarian, or explain it a little better.
That last paragraph has got to change. You should not conclude the essay with a boring discussion of the location! Conclude the essay with a powerful affirmation of your mission in life -- at least for these next few years.
I mean that doing all the works just for the sake of graduating, getting in college, finding a job and making money is too narrow-minded. Would material be a good word here? What about "money-worship" or something like this?
This may be a stupid question, could could you tell me if this essay fits in this prompt?
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
Would material be a good word here? What about "money-worship" or something like this?
Oh, I see! Well, utilitarian is an important word, but it means something different. My challenge for you is to learn, for example, the difference between utilitarian ethics and ethical absolutism!
For that sentence, I think self-serving will be a good word.
My challenge for you is to learn, for example, the difference between utilitarian ethics and ethical absolutism!
I guess the former one means "success-worshiping", the latter one means being too resonable? Maybe, I am just guessing, haha.
Thank you for the "self-serving", that does sound better!
You are welcome. This explains everything: plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-deontological/