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Bowdoin Supplement - "School comes first, hockey second"


bardown13 2 / 9  
Feb 4, 2010   #1
Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)

Im hoping someone can please proof read/ help me shorten my essay. I have 725 words. But the suggested length is 250-500. Is that still ok? Anyways, please help. I will return the favor.

"School comes first, hockey second." This was the one key value my mom always preached to me growing up. As an adolescent, this never posed much of a problem. In my minor hockey years, my teams typically practiced twice a week and never played more than a couple of games on top of that. However, as I grew older and climbed to higher levels in the hockey world, keeping my priorities straight became increasingly difficult. It was never uncommon for me to have to miss a few days of school every month for hockey. Therefore, I always had to keep a constant line of communication going between my teachers and me, to ensure that I was planning ahead for every class. Throughout high school this method never failed. I was always able to stay ahead of the curve and maintain grades at an honors standard. Things changed though in my senior year, when I unexpectedly made the Oakville Blades Jr. "A" hockey club. Consequently, I had a choice to make. I could stay at home and finish high school with my friends. Or I could move 3 hours away from home and face the challenge of a new school and high level Jr. "A" hockey. Being the competitive person I am I chose the latter.

I have always been the type of person that is eager to face a challenge. I've never been afraid of adversity and I've always taken pride in my ability to persevere. Thus, at 17 years old I was excited at the prospect of moving away from home to go play junior hockey in Oakville, Ontario. However, little did I know that I would be walking into the most daunting challenge of my life at the time. Looking back, I'm not sure which part was more difficult. Adapting to a new school for senior year or playing for a hockey coach who ran the team like a drill sergeant. For the first few months of the season, each day was both a physical and mental grind. Every morning at school I'd be adjusting to the realities of not knowing anyone in my classes and the different methods of new teachers. Furthermore, in the afternoon at hockey practice my coach would run my team through what my team mates and I referred to as "an hour and a half of hell". During those first couple of months in Oakville I quickly became miserable and depressed. Everything was taking its toll on me to the point where I was contemplating quitting.

Thus, I began to do some soul searching. I'll never forget the turning point when on one off day I was standing in the shower thinking about my situation. I was clearing my mind, when I came to the conclusion that quitting would be the easy way out. I had to confront my problems and attack them head on. I decided to be proactive. Instead of sitting and sulking in class I began to contribute to class discussions and sought out the teachers for extra help. I also started to socialize with the other kids in my classes and did my best to make new friends. I was finally starting to have fun again at school and my improved attitude carried over to the hockey rink. As a result, I was able to handle the intense practices better. Instead of complaining, I just bit my tongue and put in the work. Soon enough the practices became easier as I became well adjusted them. By persevering through the hard times and attacking my situation with a positive attitude, my life became whole again. By seasons end I was able to go back home a success in both the classroom and on the ice.

Due to the fact that I was able to persevere through my senior year, I know I will be well prepared for the academic environment at Bowdoin. Since, I plan on playing on the Men's Ice Hockey team at Bowdoin, I'd be naïve to think that it won't be tough balancing both hockey and a college work load. However, because of my previous experience I know how to handle any forthcoming situations. I feel confident that going into Bowdoin with a positive attitude and a proactive approach I will be able to tackle any forms of adversity thrown my way.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 5, 2010   #2
One sentence:
I could stay at home and finish high school with my friends, or I could move three hours away from home and face the challenge of a new school and high level Jr. "A" hockey.

Alright, I am going to have to suggest that you bench some of your players. The first para is well-written, but it's got to be pulled out of the game for now. I think you should start with the second paragraph, which also makes an excellent intro, and by the time that paragraph ends it should be talking about ACADEMIC challenges.

Refer specifically to some subjects you have studied or researched, and then make an insightful connection between what you learned and what you were experiencing as the new kid in this school. Make it so that the focus on this is on intellectual insight, academic stuff. Use hockey as the theme for your personal reflection, but reflect on stuff from academic disciplines--especially in your chosen field.


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