Prompt: Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)
This essay is frustrating me. I don't know if it answers the prompt. I don't know if it is fluent. So any suggestion about anything are more than welcomed. I would like honest comments about any factor that affects my essay (positively or negatively.) Thank you guys.
With a white collared shirt, black pants, and my Palo de Rosa guitar, I stepped up onto the stage when my mentor said my name. I had studied "Sons de carrilhőes" by Joăo Pernambuco for one month before the concert; I knew it as well as I know my brother's moves in FIFA '08 for the PlayStation 2-pretty well. I was ready to end the most exciting, most competitive, and most important day of my life so far.
That Saturday, as captain and central defense of the Conservatorio de las Rosas soccer team, I had the privilege to play the final of a championship of our school's sector. We, the least favorite team, were ready to show our new coach what an extraordinary team creator and motivator he was. Without a huge budget or extravagant uniforms he made us a team. Our game was against Thomas Jefferson team. Not the best team, but outstanding in performance and competitiveness; and with so much budget they could buy all their team-members' uniforms and tennis. The first time was tied and very long due to several faults of both teams; mines too. But as the first touch of Jeshua, our forward, in the second time we took the control of the game. We defeated them 5-3; three Jeshua's goals, one Anton's (my brother) goal, and one mine. The celebration came with my graduation as my feet came into my black shoes-neat.
The same day we won the championship I was graduating from my 9th grade. I was going to Preparatoria Valladolid, one marvelous school. I had obtained my admission through my passing of the preparatory test and my acquiring of a scholarship. Three significant events in one day; this day definitely made a mark on my life. "I am ready for tonight's dinner", I said my family when enjoying a delicious lunch at the best place in the city-my home.
After my graduation's formal dinner, I played the guitar as the opener of the concert; t was my fifth time opening a concert at my thirty-third concert. As I began to play, I felt music talking to me; at the end of the song I heard the notes of my life. From Mi to that La to that double Re to the last Re, I felt the exact same way with my life-from being in diapers to being in shorts and jeans to being in black suits to the culmination of a life with no determined point yet.
I have lived in six cities through my seventeen years of life. In all these, I have learned, enjoy, and served. Thus, my experiences in all my communities are what have formed me. Although they discuss about my future and how to developed it, my family has always supported my education-my mother teaching me how to read and how law and society works; and my father teaching me how to speak in English and how to trace my road to success with music and art as my guides. And as my father said to me a while ago: "Without good education and without music there would be no past, no present, and no future." I agree.
Also, I don't know if that is a good ending or should I try to make another one.
Overall I think the approach is pretty good. I would suggest changing "the non-favorite team" to something like "the underdogs?"
I raelly like your last sentence, it provides a good ending to your essay and sums it up very well.
hope my comments helped and good luck !
Thank you for the comment.
Yeah, I wasn't sure to use that word, "non-favorite", because it sounds akward.
Any other comments about it? =)
With a white collared shirt,
I knew it as well as I know my brother's moves in FIFA '08 for the PlayStation 2-pretty well.
That Saturday morning I had the privilege to witness, as the captain and central defense of the Conservatorio de las Rosas soccer team, the final of the championship of schools of that sector . As the captain and central defense of the Conservatorio de las Rosas soccer team, I had the privilege of witnessing the final of the championship of schools of that sector
The first time was tied and very long due to several faults of both teams; mines too.
I like that you picked an event that was significant in more than one way, but I think you need to better tie the ending to the rest of the essay.
What do you think? Is it a good essay for Bowdoin? Does it sounds that I would like to attend the school (because that is the poitn)?
Thank you..
Comment please. I need help (a lot.)
=)
Anyone. Comments please...I am desperate. I will check yours. Please... =P
Hey aldo,
Just one suggestion, I thought your opening could be briefer and get straight right into your essay.
*With a white collared shirt, black pants, and my Palo de Rosa guitar, I stepped up onto the stage when my mentor said my name* is kinda unnecessary and slightly distracting? Just my opinion, but if its your writing style dat it ll be alright! :)
Other than that, i thought your essay was very nice! Its personal, and it showed an interesting point about you - sports and music. keep it that way.
All the best!
Thanks for the comment. I was thinking about that, but I am not sure how to short that. Yeah the majority of the time I write with so much detail that sometimes it doesn't help at all. If you have any suggestions please let me know.
Thank you again.
Comments??? Suggestions? =) You will be my best friend if you help me. =P
Your last paragraph is absolutely fantastic, you should try and make the rest of the essay more like that. Be very specific in explaining how the experiences you describe prepare you for college. That's key in making you seem like a good applicant.
If you could read my essay for NYU Tisch I would greatly appreciate it. I'm going to go comment on another one of the essays you asked me to check.
Thanks for the comments and feedback. I will try to make that sounds better. As soon as I rest a little bit I will be posting the last part. Thank you again.
If you have any commments or suggestions please let me know. =) Anyone.
