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"The Boy didn't know......." Princeton/ Quote that define you

sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 16, 2012   #1
please help me with this Princeton essay by reviewing it for grammar and style. Also tell me if it sounds cribbing or braggart at some points. any help will be appreciated.

prompt: Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation, title, and author at the beginning of your essay.

"The Boy didn't know what a person's 'destiny' was... It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young knows what their destiny is."

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

"No, Sarthak, You cannot do it. You are of no good to it. Leave it and you will be spared from the disgrace." My father was enraged, his anger palpable. A strong feeling of rejection overwhelmed me as he angrily told me to not to pursue science as a subject in high school. Belonging to a long line of religious people, my father have a strict aversion to study of sciences. My life is defined by physics formula and ornamented by chemical equations, but for him it was a blasphemy. But my love for science became the reason of my father's hate. I was bruised both physically and emotionally. Though my mother came at the moment - a god send (not a pun) to save me from the inferno that might have caused me severe physical pain, the incident left an indelible impression on my mind. It became a defining moment for me, as instead of being discouraged, I was all the more determined to pursue my dreams than ever before.

In time, my father's rage sequestered and constant pleading from my mother made him change his mind. I was allowed to take up some science related subjects but a countenance of annoyance was visibly established each time he looked at me. Nevertheless, His dejection built me into a stronger person. It was the beginning of my high school sophomore year. With three years ahead of me, I made a resolution - that no more will our dreams become pre-packaged set of workload imposed on by the society. I will fight for freedom of us, students, from this unseen form of bondage that let us not pursue our dreams - the freedom of choosing what we want to study, what we want to achieve and what we want to become.

Each passing day gave my resolution more concrete shape. I didn't miss any opportunity to act on it. Through the power of student government, I started a club to counsel students on opportunities they have in the field they choose and parents on letting their children choose their goals. We were met with a mixed response - some appreciated while others, like my father, considered it a profanity. We were intimidated and hindered, but our spirits weren't extinguished. Maybe we weren't able to transform everyone's life, but we surely made a difference in some.

So, looking out at horizon a few months ago, I remembered a 13 year old me who couldn't completely understand what the above quote meant, but in time got a clarity to see into the depths of its words. For two days I cried when my father rejected my aspirations, letting all my inhibitions to flow along with my tears. A will to fight replaced them - a fight against oppression of our dreams.
putnam7 2 / 3  
Dec 16, 2012   #2
the short answer is well written some things sounded weird at first.
You might not want to include the physical bruising because i don't think colleges would want to hear too much personal things.

my father has a strict aversion to study of sciences

a god send (not a pun) to save me from the inferno that might have caused me severe physical pain,

I was confused about this you might wanna change it because at first sight it is not easy to understand.

Thanks for reviewing my work hope your applications work out the way you want it to.
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 16, 2012   #3
good topic... did ur father physically abuse you or is this an exaggeration?

overall, good... remove the "not a pun"
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 16, 2012   #4
thanks for pointing out the issues . I will certainly change them. No, its not an exaggeration.
black and white 7 / 30 6  
Dec 26, 2012   #5
Hi Sarthak,
I found your essay interesting, but there are a few glaring mistakes.
In the second line it should be ... 'he angrily told me not to pursue'; not 'told me to not to'
In the third line it should be ....' my father HAS'; not 'my father have'
In the same line it should be 'the study of the sciences'; not 'study of Science' because all sciences(like Physics, Chemistry, Biology can't be studied together)

In the next like it should be Physics formulae/ formulas
At the beginning of the second last paragraph, it should be ' With time' instead of 'In time'.Ater a few lines in the same para the letter 'h' in the word 'his' has been

capitalised in the middle of the sentence. I don't know why you did this and assume it to be a typing error. If so, you should correct it.

Hope this helps you.
Please help me with mine too.
dnx2000 5 / 14 3  
Dec 26, 2012   #6
Hi! This is an essay with a lot of emotion conveyed, and I really liked it. I really don't know how detailed you should keep your personal experiences and abuse, you should ask for advice on that one. As a whole this is a great essay and I liked the conclusion. I'll just throw in a few details for you to consider.

I will fight for freedom of us, students,

This sentence sounds awkward, maybe you could find a better way to phrase it.

I made a resolution - that no more will our dreams becomebe a pre-packaged set of workload imposed on us by the society.

This is just an opinion.
Btw I am have written an essay on the same prompt but haven't uploaded it yet. If you had any spare time I would appreciate it if you took a glimpse at it when I upload it, since I chose a slightly less standard topic, and I wonder if it works.

Thanks, and good luck!

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