Brandeis Supplement Essay for what is your dream 250 words or fewer

Hello this is my supplement for brandeis on the subject "What is your dream"

Is this too cheesy and generic

Are there any style or gramamatical errors in this

Thank you in advance!!!

In Morocco, my home country, people think that the system is too corrupt and is impossible to change. The wide majority of people have given up on politics and the voting process which is why the voter turnout is 45 percent as opposed to the 85 percent that was present in the 1970s. My society believes that all the politicians in Morocco are there for their own gain. While many politicians are corrupt, there are many who are actually trying to help the country. The reason that many politicians are corrupt is because many people don't participate in voting processes and therefore these politicians can buy their way into their desired positions. My dream is to change this mindset in my fellow Moroccan citizens. After my studies, I want to come back to Morocco and implement these changes. The main barrier to having political activism is education. Education has been historically correlated to democracy and political activism in a country. Unfortunately, Morocco is not a very educated country with a literacy rate of 67 percent. When I come back from my studies, the first thing that I would want to change in the society is the education. Our education is horrible with national high school dropout rates at a record high. My society does not believe that these changes can be implemented to have a democratic government and proper elections. I beleive that with an education from Brandeis I will be able to accomplish my dreams and implement such changes.

I really like you essay and it shows how passionate you are about changing the education system and politics. There is a grammer rule that when you combine to sentences with and or but you put a comma in front of them. Other than that, it is a really nice essay. Can you please review mine?

El, you cannot use the same essay topic in "What is your dream?" as the one in "What will you change?". This will come across to the reviewer as laziness and a lack of serious interest in your application on your part. That is the last thing you want to do. All college applicants are cautioned against submitting essays of the same subject and discussion for differing prompts. I can tell you right now that this essay will ruin your chances of admission. You have to change it and present a different topic if you want to better your chances of attending Brandeis.

Surely you can take the time to reflect and find a different dream to discuss in this essay. Remember, you need to discuss your vision for your future or the future of your country. If you want to discuss your dream for your country, then think of what else you can fix in your country aside from the educational system. You already mentioned the corrupt elections in your country, so why not dream of fixing the electoral system somehow? Discuss why that dream is important to you and how it affects the future of your country. Don't just keep falling back on the same topic of education. You need to prove your versatility as a student and show the reviewer that you are a socially conscious and responsible person by the discussion of varying essay topics in different prompts.