Prompt:Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I added an analogy in there to emphasize my feelings before and make the last paragraph more clear.
I cleaned up the sentence structure and syntax a little but the biggest changes are in the 2nd and 4th paragraphs.
We walked along the beach together, collecting the seashells all around us to put in his little box. We spent half an hour, maybe an hour, there on the beach, aimlessly wandering around and marveling at the different shapes and sizes of those fragile shells.
As I watched my little friend run and bounce around like the five year old he was, he looked at me and beamed, and the magnitude of the situation struck me.
Brandon, almost from the beginning of our weekend together, designated me as his own. We were never apart. From the cafeteria at the school where we were staying to the baseball diamond in the forest, we were always together. I found his company a change of pace from the academic grind as I greeted the freedom of summer; he found me to be a comforting sense of support.You see, Brandon was not like every other little kid running around at a summer camp; he was a foster child. Having been abandoned at birth by his parents, he had bounced from family to family since he could remember. Nothing about his life was stable, as he was currently living with a Greek family to whom he could relate to in no way whatsoever. As a result of his tumultuous life, this camp, "Parents Adopting Kids Kamp," was a respite for little Brandon. It was a time when he could forget about the
troubles of his life and focus on having a blast for three days.
He clung to me as if I were a magnet. He followed me everywhere, always asking me to carry him or to play a game with him. Always, he wanted to hold my hand, and it became obvious that he lacked a bond with any other male figure in his life. I realized how much he liked me and enjoyed my company, and so far I had reluctantly obliged his wishes. Knowing the weekend was for Brandon's well-being, I feigned happiness for him, laughing along with him for his sake. I viewed the weekend as a chore similar to mowing my lawn; something that I had to do but never really enjoyed.
But now, on the beach looking down at his beaming smile, my perspective on the weekend changed. I no longer desired to go home and sleep, no matter how tired I was. I finally comprehended how much I meant to him, as the time I spent with him would most likely be the high point of his summer. Instead of giving him a little smile and diverting his attention like I had been, I beamed back at him. I understood now how much joy I derived from my ability to make his life that much more enjoyable through such little acts. We began our journey back to the school holding hands, my hand being the focus of his happiness, his my realization of a new calling: to help foster care children.
Watching my little friend run and bounce around like the five year old he was, with a smile beaming from his face as he looked at me, and the magnitude of the situation struck me.
You see , Brandon was not like every other little kid running around at a summer camp; he was a foster child. Having been abandoned at birth by his parents, he had bounced from family to family since he could remember.
I think you should name that "new passion," so that this whole beautiful essay becomes testimony for your seriousness about the program for which you are applying.
:)
Kevin
Thank you for your input. I talked it over with a teacher today and did change the ending to add the passion. Do you think this essay will be effective? By effective I mean that I have the same stats as everyone else really. Effective enough to push me over the top to acceptance?
Your essay is beautiful! Yep, Agree with Kewin that you got to touch more on its impact on you.
"the troubles of his living" sounds awkward. How about just "his troubles"?
Good luck!
I see what you mean about on its impact on me, but if I expand on it much more I fear that I'll put the reader to sleep and my essay will lose its effectiveness.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm new to this forum but from what I know, I think that it's better to expand on how it impacted on you rather than telling a story. The admission officer wants to know you as a person, not what you did. Sure you could have saved a kid's life, but the officer wants to know all the reasons behind it and how it affected you. Telling just the story of how you saved a kid's life, or in this case how you played with that kid, doesn't really convey your own character.
And even though the reader might be put to sleep, there are still ways to make it interesting while showing the impact your experience had.
And also, the prompt is "how it has impacted you" and you DEFINITELY want to answer the prompt for something as important as these essays
Care to share an example then?
lol would you like me to PM you my essay? its not that great but it demonstrates my impact. My first draft was like this but then I managed to shorten the story and take out things that werent really necessary. Also, I'm having trouble understanding your essay.
ex: But now, on the beach looking down at his beaming smile, my perspective on the weekend had changed
I don't think you really expanded on this perspective. From what I can read, correct me if I'm wrong, I believe you're trying to convey that you are a compassionate person by spending time with the boy. But you also describe a "change", but I don't see it; Did you go from having no interest in this boy to having a interest and not treating this activity as a chore? If so, you describe him as a "welcome change of pace as I greeted the freedom of summer", which means that you dont find him a nuisance and there is no "change".
Awesome. Great story, and also, you seem like a great person. I would get rid of the phrase, "You see," but that it just my opinion. I think it weakens the essay.
