Brave and enterprising women - The "Why Barnard College?" essay

Hi! Please tell me if my essay is too smeared in terms of meaning? Should it be more specific? The prompt:

What factors encouraged your decision to apply to Barnard College, and why do you think the college would be a good match for you?

Why Barnard College?

Raising as a girl in STEM in the Caucasus (which is rare and sometimes even strange in my society), I always dreamed about freedom in activity without any social or gender borders in a close-knit woman community. Exploring Barnard, I concluded that it could provide me with this oasis of freedom and the opportunities I dreamed about. Barnard supports women, who wish to pursue higher education, and gives them vital skills to achieve their goals.

Thanks to Barnard's flexible curriculum and diverse student organizations, I can study subjects I am interested in and try various hobbies Barnard offers. I would explore the mobility of labor and capital globally by taking International Trade with Reka Juhasz. Within the Physics & Astronomy department, I'd elaborate on what the future holds for humankind in space exploration during The Science of Space Exploration course. The small class sizes at Barnard would help me communicate better with the faculty, staff, and my peers.

In addition to a variety of courses, Barnard College allows its students to develop outside the classroom walls. Thanks to the Athena Center for Leadership, I'd learn more about running a successful business. Also, I would be able to interact with other students with similar business interests during our conversations at the Milstein Center. As a result of these meetings, I would come up with my startup idea and present it to other students during the Activation session. In my free time, I'd like to visit Barnard Bookworms, where I would discuss books I read in detail with other club members and have a great time with them.

After finishing my Barnard research, I concluded that Barnard College is a community of brave and enterprising women who are eager to change our world, and I am ready to become a part of it.

The applicant animatedly speaks of the reasons why her keen interest in the university was developed. It is clear that she has done her homework regarding the course offerings and social activities at the university that would be of help to her future career plans. It is clear that she strongly would like to attend the university. The problem is that she failed to balance the interest in the university and the reasons why she would make a good fit at as a student there.

It is imperative that the applicant relate how her current activities and interests merge well with Barnard's offerings. What academic accomplishments and social undertakings has she participated in in the past and present that would help solidify the idea that the interests she has in the university will be an extension of her current learning process? It is by proving this aspect of the considerations that a strong match up between the candidate and the university can be created.

Revise the essay to balance the presentation as I mentioned in previous paragraphs. By doing so, the statement will quite possibly create a more memorable and perhaps, more balanced interest presentation.