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'Breaker / Just Go Back' - Common App Personal Statement


CIEL 5 / 16  
Oct 21, 2012   #1
Hello guys this is my Common App Personal Statement. Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Please help me revise this essay of 498 words (the limit is 500). I am not sure whether I should switch to Topic 2 (Discuss some issue of personal concern and its impact on you) with this essay. Thank you guys for helping me. Any help will be greatly appreciated. : )

BREAKER

JUST GO BACK.

Mum told me this "best approach" when there was no way but a stiff wall ahead at my very young age. As the fruit of ancient Chinese wisdom, I do respect it.

Yet I have never followed it. Quite the reverse, if I run into a wall, however strong or stubborn, I just try climbing it, going through it, or simply breaking it. I do not hold back. I never have.

It was in summer last year when I, together with other members of the China 100 Youth Elite Project, was conducting the research on the economic development of new villages in Hunan Province, south-central China. There in summer the temperature could go beyong 95 degrees in Farenheit, with mosquitos and flies dancing all around. Even so we were not frustrated. The work being divided, I was to finish the interviews. After visiting several local residents, the only private butcher factory was my last destination for information of the workers' welfares.

But the last always meant the roughest. Chemicals in pork was quite a sensitive issue then so I was shut out as an interviewer. With a valid reason to leave, anyone would have thought that I'd quit, but my breaker nature caught me trying every means I could-talking with the doorkeeper, searching the manager's contact information, and making a direct phone call. But the result was quite depressing. None taken.

It soon came to lunch time and I was hungry. But a voice was screaming inside me saying "Come on. Push the wall over." I determined to wait until the blank on my notebook got filled. Then finally someone walked out of the gate and happened to be the one I needed-one of the supervisers. With my persevering attitude and pitiful look (all those sweats), he was moved and agreed to offer help. For heaven's sake, I completed the task-two hours later when no lunch was available. Anyway, who cares?

Decades into the future, I still won't change. I know I could be really froward and incorrigible as a breaker. But I have never wished a Superwoman wish. I just mean to break my tipping point. There were many easier, quicker, and maybe more efficient options, I admit. Yet I would have missed the most accurate data, the view inside the Charity Road Show (originated by me), the smiles on people's face and those startling sights. I would have missed all the things I should not have. Where could I go further when the end is already there? Who could I be if no obstacles or could-be-better traditions are broken? The walls don't appear to stop me. They are to remind me that the best thing in every dream is the dreamer, that I was born to make a difference, and that risking being safe means I've heard my own heart beat.

So right now, with this final edition written, I'd like to take the road ahead to break another wall.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 19, 2015   #2
Aside from the grammatical errors that need to be corrected (I'll point those out below), you have written a very thorough and prompt responsive essay. It shows your persevering and determined attitude which is always a good thing when it comes to catching the attention of the admissions officer. However, I think that you need to mention something about your mother applauding your "break down the wall" attitude which is in direct opposition to what she taught you to do in life. It would be more poignant and meaningful in terms of personal character building than talking about a final edition and looking forward to the next one. You can still look forward to the next one, just relate it more to the opening statement that you made for continuity purposes.


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