"Breaking Away, Being Out On My Own" - UF Essay

I wrote this with an aching bee-stung finger and a bad cold, so I know this is not the best. I think I can improve in some spots, so constructive criticism is appreciated. (:

PROMPT: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

ESSAY: On a dreary, rainy Friday in July, I stood on my front porch watching the rain fall from the open sky in sheets, waiting for my friend to take me to what I thought was going to be an uncomfortable and unenjoyable event, boy was I wrong.

Flashback two months earlier to late May, my friend asked me if I would like to attend an event at her Synagogue hosted by JAFTY, (Jacksonville Area Federation of Temple Youth), and maybe even think about joining this Jewish youth group. While I did not attend this particular Synagogue, I was Jewish and did not know many Jewish teens my age, so I agreed with enthusiasm.

As the date came closer and closer, I kept second guessing my choice to attend, worrying that these teens would not take kindly to me, since we were from two different denominations in the Jewish religion, and because I was an "outsider" and did not know them. In the end, I chose to accompany my friend, knowing that this was only one event and that I was not obligated to anything.

We pulled up the Synagogue, and the butterflies were going rampant in my stomach. With each step I took, my feet felt heavier and heavier and I developed a cold sweat, but I somehow managed to open the large, ornate, wooden door and step inside.

I expected there to be a crowd of people standing there, waiting to evaluate me and my every move, but there was no one. The silence that greeted me was a relief, while at the same time overbearing. My friend led me to the sanctuary, where she had to prepare for services that would be happening a little while later. She had me sit in the front row while she studied her Torah portion, and I looked around in awe at my unfamiliar surroundings.

As I sat in my seat, the quietude surrounded me, until one by one the members of JAFTY proceeded into the sanctuary. Much to my surprise, all of them came over to me, introduced themselves, and asked me about myself, my synagogue, school, and more. They all seemed excited that I was there, and made sure I did not feel out of place.

After services commenced, the real fun began, as the youth group had many events planned. The hesitation I had earlier disappeared as we all worked together to complete tasks. When the events finally came to a close, everyone told me that they wanted me to come to more events in the future, including community service projects, and I happily agreed.

Going to this event made me realize the importance of belonging to a group, especially when you can help the community in doing so. I feel that this experience will help me in my college experience by allowing me to take the first step in doing things I may have been reluctant in doing before, especially in supporting UF and the Gator Nation.

not sure if its in July or of July.


Just say:
... unenjoyable event. I was wrong.







Here are some synonyms to the word "event" that you can use: celebration, party, ceremony,

Hope it helped at least a little. Good luck with your essay and GET WELL!!! :)

Thank you very much! For the help and the nice thoughts. I'll be sure to keep them in mind when I edit the essay. (:

Oh yeah, I also thought about adding this sentence to the end, or something similar.

"This also helps me see the importance of breaking free from one's shell, and going away from the "normal", as in attending college, is important to shaping character and responsibility."

Any thoughts on this or the rest of my essay?

The trick for writing college admission is show, not tell. You might have heard this phrase like a million times already but it is true that college administrator want to see you freely express yourself.

Here an example, it might be a very bad one but just for the sake of proving my point lol.
Bad: During the fight, I thought I've gone crazy.
Better: My body froze and refused to make another move. "Stay down!" A soldier yelled across the trench. The roaring of the enemies' airplanes roaming above my head, took away the only thing that left in me since the war first started- my sanity.

So why did I just made up all that boring stuff, well: you were doing well showing the reader your story then suddenly at the end, you just told us what you have learned. That weakened your entire essay. Show the reader how you felt after the party instead of telling them, for example, this is what i come up with from your conclusion. You don't need to use this whatsoever, I'm just trying to make my point.

Before we left, every person in that room gave me a hug and followed me to my car. The butterflies were gone, but instead, my heart was overflowed with satisfaction (kinda cheesy :)) - the good feeling of belonging to a group.

The more I thought about the event, the more I was excited for college, the place where one can break away from one's shell, from the "normal". My head dazzled off into my own fantasy, I couldn't remember all the excited conversations took place in the car on our way home. I didn't need to; I had all the fun that i could ever have.

Hope you understand what i mean. Good luck

Ah, I get it, I get it. I just added that as a spur of the moment type thing, so I was wondering. But I like your example a lot more than mine! (:

Thank you very much for all your help! It has benefited me greatly. (: