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The breakout of the civil war - the time my life has changed

lee boy 1 / 1 1  
May 13, 2015   #1
The moment my live changed forever was the breakout of the civil war in my country. There was a group called SNF who took down the government, and chased everybody their homes and hopes. We ended up a Refugee camps and unexpected live changed.

However, the SNF were very horrible and heartless. They were killing people, raping innocent women including the teen ages especially the tribes who were ruling the government and my family was among that tribe. Furthermore, they took over the whole city, blocked every exit and they were checking in every car trying to go out of the city or come in. On the other hand, they were asking everybody which tribe he/she is. In addition to that, every tribe had his own accent, so they would know if you are his tribe or not. So we had nowhere to go and we can't stay, because they were looking every house. Luckily, our neighbors who were the one of them gave us a place to hide and showed us an escape route. Ultimately, we went to the neighboring country Kenya who welcomed us and the United nation gave shelter, food and started a refugee camp for us.

We have to start over, my parents don't know where to start, but the United nation played imperative role in our live. They built elementary, middle and later on a high school, also hospitals, it was a good start for us because of the situation we were at that time. Even though I grow up in the refugee camp, my parents encouraged me to finish high school. In life everyone has an opportunity, we have got the chance to go to the United States of America.

Although, it was far away of what I heard or expected, I thought life in America is all about making money easily and having fun constantly. Instead, life was very challenging and also busy, I have to work so that I can pay my bills and support my relative back in Africa, at the same time, I have to go to college to continue my education in order to have a better life.

To sum up, the time my life changed forever was when the civilians started tribalism and took guns to kill his or her fellow citizen brother or sister Instead of promoting peace. I didn't have the chance to grow in my country and follow my ambitions, but I am very happy to have another chance to follow my dreams and I am looking forward to achieve my goal.

EF_Jasmine - / 68 39  
May 13, 2015   #2
Hi! You have a very touching story here, I have given you edits to help your next writing draft. Please work on your tenses. The prompt was," the time when your life was changed". Which means everything in the essay should be past tense( Because you are talking about an event that happen in the past). Here you use present tenses mixed with past tenses, and this can weaken your moving story. Overall you have good story and a good start!
OP lee boy 1 / 1 1  
May 14, 2015   #3
thanks jasmine for the corrections and the advice. it is good to know your weaknesses so that you can work on it. I really appreciate that.

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