The following is my Personal Essay. Please tell me what you think. On Microsoft word, this is exactly a page.
The Breakup
Words could not describe the feeling I had when I became the Highest Scorer in Violin for the Royal School of Music in 2008. Not only was I happy, my violin teacher for ten years was exuberant that I was his first student to pass AND become the highest scorer in New York. A judge later told me that I had a chance to be a Paganini Violin Competition winner within the next ten years. At the time, I truly felt that I was set for bigger and better things to come.
"Call me when you've made your decision!" said my violin teacher as he was storming out and refusing the forty dollars my father pleaded him to take. This was a year after the contest. "How dare you question my teaching methods? I should not have let you participate. You were never ready. If you have the guts, call me to apologize and bring me back!" I sat in stunned silence as he left the house.
He was not only my teacher; he was my father's best friend for twenty years. They held an informal partnership where he and my accountant father would recommend potential clients to each other. In these hard times, such collaboration was hard to come by. Calling him to apologize would ease the tension, continue the partnership and keep the friendship going.
I did not call him.
I knew that as a student, my dreams were set for a shattering blow, but I stood my ground because I had a distinct feeling that he was holding me back by telling me to redo a lot of the songs that I played many years ago. As opposed to the weeks leading up to my Royals competition, the lessons afterward moved at a snail's pace. I felt that I needed to break new ground as fast as possible because I would be leaving for college soon, yet I feared that offending my teacher would also incite the wrath of my father. This was no love triangle. Admittedly, this was me choosing myself over everyone else. However, can I call myself selfish for doing what I thought was right for my future? Can I call myself bad for questioning the way someone teaches?
After the split, my father was passive. Even though he did not scold me, I felt that he was hurt during the process. As for me, I could not to listen to classical music for a month because it reminded me about this split. Though all this, I cannot speak ill of my violin teacher. Our ten year partnership resulted in increased publicity for him and a personal achievement for me. He made me what I am today. I do believe that our relationship as student and teacher was as strong as any but it was our eventual different approaches towards my future that led me to question my teacher, who normally does not take criticism lightly. One of Confucius's lessons is called filial piety which tells the student to respect the teacher at all costs. Yet I wanted to think for myself and hold everything in perspective in regards to my path and my eventual fate and leave before it was too late.
There are two ways to look at this situation - I left my violin teacher or he abandoned me. The former may portray me as a bad person and the latter as a bad student. Though the effects linger, I still had to move on. I still play the violin, not wanting to lose what I accomplished in the past. In retrospect, this was a bad and messy split but I do not regret it because it gave me the hard task and responsibility of taking care of myself. I am my own master and whether I rise or fall, the decision lies in my hands.
Thanks a lot for your time,
Brendan
My first impression of your essay is that it is an above average one. There were no awkward sentences that jumped at me. However, it is not an essay that I would remember.
For one, your essay's focus shifts quite a lot. At the start it seems to be about the challenge of the Paganinin competition, then it became a teacher quarrel, then you started talking about the split between you and your father. Then you finally state that your essay is about you and your teacher. I think the multitude of potential topics here really distracted me as a reader from empathizing with your story. Choose one, and stick to it. Focus all your attentions there and create a narrative for us readers to enjoy.
Second, I think your writing needs more flair and style. As I said, its not a bad essay but its easily forgettable. Even as I am writing this, I am forgetting some portions of your essay already. Style is very hard to develop, but it is what separate an average essay from a spectacular one. If you want a challenge, go through it, and make it magical for us. Make it something we can hang on our walls.
Best of luck!! I am confident you could do better!
This is awesome, though a bit unclear. What was his problem a year after you won the contest? You questioned his teaching methods? If you just add one good sentence near the beginning to help the reader understand the source of conflict, it might help us to understand the meaning of the essay. His pride was hurt, but you chose not to call him to apologize...
Well, what is the lesson to be learned here? Just that you are your own master? I like this sentence:
I am my own master and whether I rise or fall, the decision lies in my hands.
I'll move the comma, though:
I am my own master, and whether I rise or fall the decision lies in my hands.
But is there some deeper wisdom to this essay? What was the cause of the conflict?
Thank you very much for your assistance
