- I have to write a brief paragraph for by Study Abroad application. The prompt is:
What do you hope to achieve academically and personally during your study abroad experience?
- I have used different names for my current University as well as my hometown. As it is relevant to the theme of the paragraph, though, just know that Marltown is a very very small liberal arts college in a rural remote location in the Northern United States, and Frazer is a large city in the South.
- I thought I would separate the paragraph into discussing what I want to achieve personally and then what I want to achieve academically, but this may not be the best way if you think it does not read well.
- Do you think my point about choosing Marltown is silly? One of the points of College is to be with different people, so I am afraid it is redundant/unnecessary to include this, BUT it really is the case that everyone from Frazer chooses large, SEC universities and is basically "stuck" in the South with a bunch of like-minded people.
Draft:
I hope to gain a diversified experience, both academically and culturally, by studying abroad. The reason I chose Marltown was to learn outside of the location that I grew up in. I chose a university that was miles from my home, and it was a choice not often made by my peers growing up in the same region. Returning home to Frazer, I can appreciate what being far outside of your comfort zone can give you in a personal sense. I am experiencing a different culture with people who were raised very differently from me. I feel that I have been able to grow exponentially from this experience. Now, my comfort zone has expanded to include Marltown, so I hope to move even farther outside of it. Study abroad will give me this similar change in cultural perspective, but internationally. Academically, I wish to experience a large college since I go to a very small college. The University of Edinburgh is known for its prestigious academics, especially within the Computer Science department, which is my major. This highly ranked Computer Science program will build on my current Marltown education in a way that will deepen and focus my varied interests. Attending a large university will push my boundaries and provide a unique learning environment beneficial to my growth as a student. Different from simply travelling, studying abroad will allow me to learn alongside these local students, which I have found is the best way to learn, that is, to learn with others who are not exactly like you.
To start in the second sentence you ended with a preposition. You should try and avoid this in most writing. "The reason I chose Marltown was to learn outside of the location that I grew up in." Secondly, I think you should try and give off more of a personal tone in your writing. Colleges don't want you to come to their school just because it is highly ranked. Show them why you want to be apart of their community. Hope this is helpful!
Kate, here are some variations of "I hope to" that you can use in your essay. I'll leave the placement in the paragraphs up to you :-)
I hope to...
I look forward to...
In the future, I plan to...
I might engage in...
I see myself doing
I see myself accomplishing...
Try bring more balance to your essay Kate. Right now, I can see the immense concentration on the academic aspect of your college life. Yet the prompt wants to you present a more balance look at your academic and personal plans while at the university. So you need to come up with an equal balance in your discussion. I don't think you have a word limit on the response so you have all the room you need to balance out the social wit the academic aspects.
One way to balance the essay would be to offer 3 academic and 3 social achievements during your time as a student. Offer at least an overview of how you plan to do this. Mention some specific classes, professors, clubs, organizations, etc., as you see fit. This may require some research pertaining to the university on your part. The aim of the essay is to try to find out how you really know the university beyond what is on their website or student brochures. So try to reflect that in your response.
Well Kate, I'd like to share my thoughts in the dilemma that you're going through.
You remember the lesson on word synonyms, this lesson can actually work.
Not sounding to obvious on your academic and ultimate goals, you can make use of words that are not normally seen on a typical essay,
as much as I want you to use conversational and up-to-level English words, it will help if you use some words that are new to the reading public.
See what the other EF contributors have suggested, they help a lot too.
Also, it's good that you worry about what the admissions staff would say about your essay, this means you re serious on your craft and you aim for nothing but the best, this also makes me think that you don't want to waste anybody's time contemplating on your essay. The best thing to do now is to re-write your essay with the suggested words above, proof read it for the last time before giving it a go.
Should all else fail, your admission officer will definitely give you feedback on your essay and looking at it, you have a good shot.
Let loose, don't stress too much! For all you know, you have followed the basic foundation of the English language, grammar rules and word use and choice. Good Luck.
