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'my brief nap abruptly comes to an end' - Yale supplemental essay


BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
This is the beginning of my yale essay and I want to get some feedback before I continue, I hate it and I want to know if its even worth keeping. BTW the essay is going to be about how I worked at my father's family owned restaurant since 2004.

Wakening as my brief nap abruptly comes to an end, I reach blurry eyed for the item making that earsplitting ringing sound. "Callaloo Café'", I wearily answer. "How may I help you?" The voice on the other end responds, "I would like to place an order for pick up." "I'll have a Large Jerk Chicken with Rice & Beans and Cabbage; I'll be there in 15 minutes." "Would you like anything else", I ask while covering the mouth piece to yawn. "No, that'll be all, see you soon." Rushing through the green halved door that is soon to fall off of its hinges, I place the order on the kitchen table. "Mommy, there's an order for pick up." After giving her the order I hurry back to my seat in hopes of continuing my nap for at least five minutes without any disturbances.

Just as I began to doze off, a man walks in. As he slowly makes his way to the counter, I stand up to greet him. "Hi, I called for pick up" "It's almost ready", I answer dismissing the fact that he just placed the order. "But, I'll take pay for it now." I made my way to the cash register ready to ring up the order. "Hold on, I want to get a soda", says the man while making his way to the soda box. He picks up a D&G Kola Champagne one of Jamaica's finest soft drinks. "Ok", I answer while proceeding to ring the order: 1 @ $9.95 Jerk chicken, 1 @ $1.25 Kola, Subtotal. After eight years of practice I no longer needed to look as I rang up orders. Like playing the piano, my muscles learned to conform to the movement. "Your total is $11.98 with tax", I said while taking the Styrofoam container from my mother. Resting the container on the counter, the customer hands me a ten and two singles, I walk over to the register and punch in 12.00 cash. The register flings open and my fingers scrimmage for two pennies. After handing the customer his change I reach for a bag that reads: Thank You & Have a Nice Day. I place the container, a fork, a straw, and some napkins in the bag afterwards handing it to the customer. "Have a nice day!" "You Too." The customer leaves the store and I retire back to my chair in another attempt of a snooze. I being to doze off while Bob Marley's; Buffalo Soldier drowns out in the background.

Since the fourth grade, I have worked at my father's restaurant as a cashier/waitress. It was his dream to have a Jamaican restaurant. The problem was my father did not have enough money to hire workers; he barely had enough to rent the building. So, at eight years old, I began working for my father for no profit. Right after school I would trot down to 1401 Maple Ave. have a snack and make my way around the counter to cater to the needs of the customers. As any kid would think, the job was not fun: inventory, stocking the soda box, midnight cleaning, sleep deprivation.(daddy didn't allow me to do my homework while I was watching the front so at midnight after I walked my dog, cleaned the house, and took a shower I would do my homework.) And there were rarely any breaks.(my father didn't like to close the restaurant; we were open everyday from 7:00 - 10:00(weekdays) or 7:00 - 12:00(weekends) all year round. Even when his mother died in 2005 he scheduled the funeral service early in the morning so it would be over early enough to open the restaurant.) But in reality (and I would never tell him this) by working at his restaurant from age 8-16 I learned skills that I may one day need in the future: how to handle the rude customer, how to make a tropical smoothie, and how to survive sleepless nights.
sm09 1 / 17  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
keep going with it. I really want to know more. You should continue writing it because the intro keeps the reader wanting to know more.

Could you please look at mine and give me some advice please.
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
If you are going to elaborate on how in the end you enjoyed/learned something from working there, it will work. it's not bad I actually think you have something good going there.
Snake 1 / 3  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
I would suggest more elaboration on what you learned and less description of what happened. But then again I don't know the question, but would assume Yale would want to know more about you as a person- what you think.
jebhogiaye 6 / 14  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
It really does not say anything about you personally. I like the anecdote, but try to focus on what working at the restaurant reveals about your personality. It seems like you were driven by your father to do everything and that it was not by your own choice. I think this essay would be better if you talked about your own decisions. But I like your prose. Please look at my essay.
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Dec 28, 2011   #6
Hello Adrienna, This essay needs alot of work. You do not say anything that will make Yale say "Wow we must have her." Your story tells the tale of a typical Jamaican family that has a Jamaican store in New York. You need to add much more to make it worthy of Yale or the other top schools you wish to apply to. Luckily for you, we are from the same town and I feel inclined to help you out here. If you leave your email, I will be able to send you a few samples of how to correctly answer these types of prompts. - AAO

Hope This helps
OP BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 28, 2011   #7
Thanks for all of the advice, my email is cherryclk@aol.com.
worried26 1 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #8
You're definitely a good writer, and I like your anecdote, but I don't see what else this says about you other than the dread you feel towards working for your father, and how your father has this hold over you. What have you learned or gained from these memories and this experience? Are you still your father's puppet or did you somehow escape from that? How has this experience affected you?

Think about those things and then add it on to your essay. The ending is very sudden and leaves the reader wanting to know more about the point of the essay.

Hope this helps!
singh955 7 / 36  
Dec 29, 2011   #9
I agree with worried26, you should insert what you have learned from your experience not just the fact that you dreaded it.
Mureille - / 18  
Dec 29, 2011   #10
Wow, this doesn't sound very cheerful and it really doesn't say much about you as a person that would make Harvard or Yale want to accept you. What was the purpose of writing this? What were you trying to accomplish here? I could be wrong but, all I got from this was that you worked in your dad's restaurant and that you really didn't like the experience.
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 29, 2011   #11
You come off as angsty and a bit rude. You also seem like you're just ranting about working at a restaurant and you don't really have any insight. Please read my NYU one if you can.
OP BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 29, 2011   #12
I appreciate all of the comments but I would also like to say that my experience was not a cheerful one. My father was very strict and the only thing that mattered was the restaurant. I will try to sound less angry and rude but I can only tone it down but so far because then I would be straying away from the truth. I will also add something that I learned.
worried26 1 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #13
That sounds good, definitely include what you have learned! This part is essential, and is the main thing missing from this essay in my opinion.
worried26 1 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #14
Okay, so this was better than before, but still needs more work.

In the conclusion, I kind of get this vibe where you blame your father for not cherishing the family. Instead, talk about how this business taught YOU to cherish your family, the good times you've had together and whatnot. As for the lesson that teaches you to never give up, I don't really see anything in the conclusion that addresses that. It seems that your father opening up a new restaurant was not a good idea since he was filing bankrupt and eventually lost it. It sounds like "never stop trying" is not beneficial.

Like I said, this was better than before, but needs more improvement. Include less about the bad times, and more about how this business affected you. Talk about its significance and how is has helped you. I think you can make the introduction shorter as well.

Keep going! :)
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 29, 2011   #15
I agree it is a lot better than before. But the conclusion is weak; you need to reword it. And the flow from description to realization is also weak.
music920 6 / 23  
Dec 29, 2011   #16
I agree with the others, definitely focus less on the negative and emphasize how your experiences influenced you. Good job, keep up the good work!
Jackyt 1 / 3  
Dec 31, 2011   #17
"cruddiest" - maybe change it? I cringed when I read it

"extra hard" -boring word

The essay just ends... I'm left confused and not sure what to do with it. Could you tie it back to your theme of persistence? Or just leave the last sentence off altogether?

The hook is nice.

I like the voice, but

It just ends... a strong conclusion could really make this great.
nodumblonde1616 1 / 4  
Dec 31, 2011   #18
Maybe get rid of the stuff where you talk about yourself being a puppet? I feel like it detracts a bit from your overall argument, but I like the essay :)


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