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'The bright moon' - help edit my williams supplement

m45over 6 / 12  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
This is what i have so far but need serious help to make my ideas clearer. I try to be creative on the given question because williams is a long shot for me and i can only stand out if i have a very good essay.

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.

It is our annual family routine to gather in my deceased grandfather's abandoned, brooding and neglected house during every New Year's Eve midnight. The slats of the window were mostly broken out. The slight breeze made the shutters tap against the hose and the hinges squeaked. I walked to the window and gazed into the open park where people were holding parties, dancing and drinking, to ring out the old year and ring in a new one.

The window, no matter how dilapidated it looked, signified a transition stage in my life. Behind me is the great wasteland of missed opportunities. The countless opportunities that came my way went either unnoticed or unappreciated. Most of these opportunities slipped away because I was unadventurous and not open minded enough to take advantage of them. In secondary school, I played around starting online businesses, but much to my chagrin never pursued it.

I contemplated on the challenges of the yesteryears. I could not tell whether it was an anathema, a denunciation or a malediction that was tagged onto me. My father was involved in a tragic accident, which posed financial problems for my family, and I lost two grandparents and an uncle.

However, encumbering myself with "what ifs and only ifs" would not bring back these opportunities. What lies ahead of me was the dense evergreen forest of hope. Gazing at the bright moon in the sky gave me a ray of hope and a gleam of delight. With determination and hard work, I will walk the meandering trajectory to the great oasis. The shattered and broken nature of the window unveiled my distorted view and skewed outlook on life. But by looking at the light that guided me, I overcame obstacles, took new challenges and walked different routes towards my ultimate destination.

I am really grateful.:)
Strawberry78 4 / 52  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
Try and keep your first sentence positive. This essay is kind of depressing. Overall try and keep your whole essay positive and since you are mentioning more of the window and the forest stick with that more than what you have in the first and second paragraphs.
Klabberghasted - / 2  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
I could not tell whether it was an anathema, a denunciation or a malediction that was tagged onto me.

The rhythm in this sentence is nice, but anathema, denunciation, and malediction sound too puffy for me--try to use the 5 cent word instead of the $10 one if it can convey the same meaning.

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