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"What Can I bring to the College Campus?"-Common App-Feedback?


FJDiaz 2 / 4  
Oct 30, 2010   #1
When trying to describe me, people have been known to use a variety of adjectives, however, the majority seem to pertain primarily to two attributes: my intellect and my strong-mindedness.

My intellectual pursuit began when I first started school. I was able to correctly answer every question on the entry evaluation to kindergarten and was IQ tested soon after starting the first grade. Due to the test results, the next year I was admitted to the Chrysalis Enrichment Center for gifted students. The Chrysalis Center was a program for students throughout the county with above average intelligence to go once a week in addition to their regular schooling. We would go there to be intellectually challenged in a way that the public school system couldn't offer. The biggest difference, however, was that they taught us how to think. Being a student there permanently changed the way I approached problems and only furthered my intellectual curiosity. I have always maintained "A's" and "B's" and I have earned an Academic Letter every year of my high school career. My intellectual curiosity and pursuit even extends beyond the classroom. Since the second grade, I participated and won Science Fairs for eight consecutive years and participated in such things as the Annual Science Symposium at the University of Florida, along with being a member of the Varsity Academic Team. My constant motivation has earned me a spot in Who's Who of both Middle and High School students.

Another defining characteristic of mine is moral strength. I've attended Parkview Baptist Church every week for as long as I can remember. This built a strong faith-centered foundation that has guided my moral compass which has played a major role in my life. I've always been the person that my friends have gone to in search of guidance, encouragement, and advice. This can be illustrated in my elected position as Student Body President. There have been many times, despite what the popular consensus is, where I've had to stand up and make decisions based on what I thought was right and fair. As a leader, it is my responsibility to be an example to others. I want my council, my school, and my friends to be able to look at me as an honorable illustration so they can become sound leaders in their own right.

As a member of the college campus, these attributes would still shine through. I'm an excellent student whose constantly improving and who always tries to do the right thing. Also, as a leader, I would hope to unite the students through their diversity and make the school the best it's ever been.
draconlord 6 / 24  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
As a rule, college essays should be about showing a side of your personality, not to re-iterate your intelligence or list your various achievements, however fantastic they may well be(the common app has another place for that).

Further, this essay came off as sounding arrogant. Perhaps a little bit of self-depreciating humor might help a bit?

Sorry for sounding overly crictical.
OP FJDiaz 2 / 4  
Nov 1, 2010   #3
No, thank you! I appreciate it. I'd rather that than submit a bad college app essay.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 7, 2010   #4
You need a vehicle to transmit the ideas. The vehicle is called a theme. For example, President Obama used a theme, "Yes we can" and also "change." But these are not the ideas he wanted to transmit. The idea he wanted to transmit was that he was in touch with what the people wanted.

In your case, you want to transmit the idea that you are super-intelligent, and you can do that only with the use of a theme. Some self-depreciating humor would help, too, to balance the self-aggrandizement, which you should minimize. Make the essay about a concept, a theme.

Probably it will be related to your plan for the next 12-20 months. What is your current theme?


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