Hi, this is for Boston University supplement. It needs grammar corrections.
Looking to the prosthetic arm, I am sitting in the engineering lab, with a scientific calculator in one hand and a pen in the other, thinking about the origins of the functioning defects of the artificial body part. Susan, my friend and teammate, was calculating something, while Tim, another undergraduate student participating in professor X's research, was analyzing data from the computer screen. Even though we have finished todays' list-to-do for the future project, we decided to stay in the lab and decided to stay in the lab for the further improvement of the plot of our creativity. "It is almost two, guys, let's take some rest and come back tomorrow?!", complained Tom. Susan, pinched her fist, put her hand up and said, "We, the members of the Alpha Eta Mu Beta Society...", and I joined "are here not to fail a project and wonder why, but to bring to life our ideas or die!" With a big smile on his face, Tim nodded and each of us continued his work.
In the next morning, with a cup of caffe latte, I am walking to the Medical Campus of Boson University. Some students get together and we start discussing a challenging article about breast cancer in "Research Magazine". The classes are over, but the day has just started for students. I am going back to my dorm, get dressed and move along to the "Track and tennis Center". I have a game today, and I have a group research with professor X. Nothing, even the cloudy weather cannot weaken me, because I know where I am going and what results I expect in the end of the day.
This is what I see myself doing in a day in some years from now. In fact, I cannot completely describe such an extended period of time and all minor aspects that I wish to experience at Boston University; but I believe the years in BU, being one of the most excited parts of my life, will be the base for a thriving career. Boston University offers students an unprecedented level of medical expertise and scientific knowledge through its professors, practitioners, state-of-the-art facilities, laboratories, and its long established traditions of medical and engineering excellence. I am certain that at Boston University I will meet like-minded peers who would share the same passion as mine - bring people improved health, and hence, a happier, brighter life, while doing what they truly love - creating and modifying.
Hello!
First of all, your first sentence sounds rather choppy. There are so many commas that break it up that it's hard to read smoothly. You want your first sentence to be read especially clearly so that it grabs the readers attention rather than make them try to follow what you're saying.
A later sentence should be "Even though we had finished that days..." so that the tenses agree throughout the sentence.
Also, it is followed by "we decided to stay in the lab and decided to stay in the lab" which is repetitive and probably an accident.
Other than that, just be aware of your tense agreements when writing and good luck!
