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Broadening Horizons Spiel: Conclusion, Questbridge essay.


kenziii 7 / 35  
Mar 29, 2009   #1
This is another Questbridge essay, and I'm placing it under the category of:
Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you.
500 words and I'm at 400.
Well, I have the experience down, but not the impact part...
I don't know how to put it and really trail off, get gloomy, and die at the end.
Many of my sentences also begin with 'I'.
Please help me with any grammatical errors and in creating a strong conclusion paragraph!

When looking at photos of my childhood, the carefully manicured sets of school pictures are noticeably absent. Far more prominent are the scores of pictures of a wild haired child, so grubby you can barely tell the difference between her dark skinned peers. This is me, with that purple hat and blue windbreaker among scores of mountain children in traditional Turkish dress. Small bodies and wide grins are all that we can relate with, but such methods of communication prove to be enough.

My parents have given me the gift of acceptance and boundless curiosity. During my childhood we traversed from Ecuador to Istanbul with bikes, a tent, and little else save the clothes on our backs. We lived with families in Mexico, stayed the night with utter strangers in the Tatra Mountains of Poland. This provided me with a glimpse into other worlds that guided tours cannot even being to touch. It did not strike me as odd to see women covered from head to toe or half-naked children running with stray dogs in the dusty streets. I was one of those children, communicating in smiles and mimes; we required nothing more. We reveled in our youth, ceaseless energy, and seeking minds.

Now I am in the states, tied here by the obligations of school once more. I find myself pushing against the prejudices and folkways of my small Midwestern town, where many have lived and died without ever leaving the cultural safety of Nebraska.

This life experience is a mere glimpse through the keyhole of the world. There is so much to learn, to experience. There is so little time to absorb all of this; I want to fling open that door, letting that knowledge and culture spin about me. I want to know cultures, traditions, languages. I want to turn America from this harshly capitalist society, where to move up one must push others down, to a country with open doors.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 30, 2009   #2
There are a few rough grammatical constructions here and there, but by and large, your essay seems fairly solid stylistically. I wouldn't say that you had missed out on the impact part. If anything, I'd say that's the best written part of the essay. The experience part could use some fleshing out. The first paragraph doesn't seem particularly necessary. Maybe you could cut it and expand on what is currently your second paragraph. Why did you you and your parents make the sort of trip you described? What were some of the negative aspects of such a lifestyle? Was their a particular incident that taught you something valuable?

"When looking at photos of my childhood, the carefully manicured sets of school pictures are noticeably absent." Why are sets of school pictures looking at photos of your childhood? You have misplaced your modifier. Revise.

"harshly capitalist society, where to move up one must push others down" You might wish to review the concept of capitalism, in order to decide if you really think this statement makes sense.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 30, 2009   #3
When looking at photos of my childhood, the usual , carefully manicured sets of school pictures are scarce .

I like it better that way (above). But you should choose the way you like.

Small bodies and wide grins are all that we can relate with, but such methods of communication prove to be enough. This one is no good. Small bodies and wide grins make you seem simple... but the way you write shows that you are complex! Find a better way to say what you mean.

I think the problem you were having can be solved by adding one clear sentence to the end of the first paragraph -- a sentence that tells precisely what the experience is that you are writing about. Say it in a sentence.

After doing that the conclusion will be easy because it will be reflection on that core experience.


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