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"Broken Bow" MIT Challenge Prompt -

linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 15, 2012   #1
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

Taking a deep breath I draw my bow. I can feel my trapezius tense up while my pectorals relax. Tension gradually builds up in my forearms while stresses of IB fade away. I can feel everything, from the slight up-and-down movement of my chest to the blazing sun and the breezy wind. Finally, the long awaited ringing sound of my clicker* arrives, but instead comes the unpleasant "crack".

I jerked forward as this ominous sound pulled me away from my world. I looked down but I could already feel what happened, my bow arm was snapped in half. Tomorrow is my last tournament and there is no way I can participate with a broken bow. I expected this moment to be more dramatic, with tears flowing, theatrical music playing, and weather changing. But everything seems the same. I talked to my coach, asked him if there were any alternatives for tomorrow, and told him "I am sorry".

After I went home tears start to drop as disappointment overwhelmed me. However as I gradually remembered the fun I had when I practiced with my friends, the anxiety I had when I attended my first tournament, and the astonishment I had when I first saw the exorbitant price tag of my favorite bow, tears slowly dried up. I remembered something important: passion. I remembered that medals, honors, and GPA are just the byproduct of chasing my dream. I was smiling.

*A signal that shows that I reached the correct draw length.

How is the essay? Any feedback and revision is much appreciated, and remember the harsher the better
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 16, 2012   #2
good... shows how u overcome failure and shows that you care more about it than about awards.

it shows your passion. :)
ead300 1 / 7  
Dec 17, 2012   #3
Overall, I like it. However, there are a few qualms I have. The parts in blue show a confliction with the tense throughout the piece. Sometimes, you write in present tense, such as "I feel everything..." While other times, you use past, such as " I remembered..." or "I jerked forward..." Also, the ending doesn't feel right. If I am correct, you dealt with the breaking of your bow by reminiscing? It sounds like you ran out of steam and just wrote down whatever came to the forefront of your mind to conclude the essay. If that is what truly helped you overcome the breaking of your bow, I would write it in a different way, a more powerful way. Remember, all of my suggestions are just that: suggestions. Take or leave them at your disposal and discretion. Best of luck with your endeavors!
yara 3 / 4  
Dec 18, 2012   #4
Taking a deep breath, I draw my bow. I can feel my trapezius tense up while my pectorals relax.

I really enjoyed the opening, and you made good adjustments to it :)

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