My oldest brother, Alex, was born with Moebius Syndrome, a rare neurological disorder that is present at birth. It primarily affects the 6th and 7th cranial nerves, leaving those with the condition unable to move their faces or eyes. Without the help of my parents, Alex was helpless. He could not function, he could not smile, and he could not live. It took me years to understand that I had taken the place of my oldest brother of being the first child in my family to go to college. The eyes of my three youngest brothers were fixed on me and the pressure of succeeding intensified but it was late in my life that I realized my role in the family.
"I hate school," I would scream as a child. I simply wanted to finish school, to go home and to enjoy myself as any naïve child so commonly dreams. I became the victim of my childish way of thinking throughout middle school. I saw my grades fall like a pile of bricks. Everything changed when my mother decided to take me to my brother's parent teacher conference. Throughout the meeting, teachers have discussed what were going to be Alex plans after high school. After the meeting, my mother spoke to me sternly. "Ivan," she said fighting back the tears, "I have a secret to tell you." Uneasiness stirred in me which made my body feel as if it were going down a rollercoaster. The time had come for me to understand the real truth about my brother. My mom shocked me by telling me that Alex was my half-brother. The tears I saw go down her face made me realize that I had a mission to fulfill, to go to college and become what my parents and brother could not be. The time had come to chance my attitude, work harder at school and not give up. Getting my grades up to standard as everyone else in my grade was a slow and painful process, since high school demanded studying every night for tests I was not familiar with, such as the SATs.
Alex has not only inspired me to go to college but also to take on bigger challenges, such as learning how to play the piano. My brother has not let his illness get the best of him. He diligently applies himself when playing the piano and seeing his determination reminds me that all is possible when I feel lost. That is mainly why, when I began playing the piano, I did not give up whenever frustration tried to knock me down. I practiced long hours and soon a dream began to take shape, that of becoming a musician. My determination paid off in the end, practicing has helped me develop a skill that only I can understand within my family; learning how to read notation/ musical notes.
Since that meeting, I became closer to my brother. At first I would not have talked about him to other people, now I introduce him to my friends. I would usually tease him around with the piano (he does not like when you ask him to play a song). Overall my relationship with him has grown since I was small. I am hoping to inspire him as well as the rest of my family by enrolling and being successful in a competitive college. Alex has inspired see me, made me my life very differently. I have become a person of commitments, a risk taker and a role model to my younger siblings. By going to a competitive college I hope to inspire my brother Alex as well as others. I feel that I am ready to take the next step in front of me with a better sense of who I am and what I want to accomplish in life.
Wow..I loved your essay...
I think you may have a little mistake here
"Alex has inspired see me, made me my life very differently".
maybe you want to say that Alex has inspired me, and has made me live life differently???
or Alex has inspired me to see and live life differently...
I could be wrong ..sorry
I wrote an essay similar to this in that I want to inspire others but you might also would like to maybe add a sentence on how you are doing this for yourself too. Just a suggestion.
can you help me?
Keep that past verb tense:
...was born with Moebius Syndrome, a rare neurological disorder that is was present at birth.
...work harder at school and not give up. Getting my grades up to standard as everyone else in my grade was a slow and painful process, ---right here, I think it is important to give a specific example and tell some details, what grade you were in, etc., so it is more like a story. If you are not telling this as part of a story, it is not as convincing.
since high school demanded studying every night for tests I was not familiar with, such as the SATs.---see, right here you are talking about high school, but I don't think you were screaming "I hate school!" in high school. So... let's try to express all this in fewer words, but include details in what you do express. Make it like a story, and omit any sentences that are not helpful.
This essay is great already. While you revise, try to make it more like an essay about your plan that uses your brother as an example of what motivates you. You can include all this info in fewer words. However, it really is a high quality essay.
:-)
