The prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
I'm pretty sure my essay has a ton of grammatical errors, especially in terms of commas and was wondering if I could get some extra eyeballs on it. Also the essay is kind of long so any tips to shorten it, make it more concise, or even even improve the quality of the essay will be greatly appreciated.
The most influential and important person in my life is my younger brother, John Wrenn. My brother has had an impact on my life because the things he has been through have taught me how to deal with setbacks in life and how to be a caring, thoughtful person. John Ignatius Wrenn was born on March 19, 1995 in Michigan City, Indiana. When my two older brothers and I visited our new brother in the hospital I had feelings of jealousy and sadness because I was no longer the baby of the family and would most likely receive less attention from my parents. I remember being in the delivery room and my mom eagerly calling me over to see my new baby brother, and within seconds of seeing him scrunching up my face to show my disapproval to my parents and brothers. However, as I grew up my feelings of jealousy began to change. My feelings began to change when I learned my brother was having problems learning how to read in school. Immediately I understood the pain and alienation he felt in school because, I too had problems learning how to read. I knew how it felt being called stupid by your classmates and knowing that everyone in your class could read except you. From that point on I began to view John as my brother instead of just some person who lived in the same house as me. Although we shared some of the same school experiences, I learned that for my brother learning how to read and everything else that comes along with was going to be a challenge because John was diagnosed with learning disability and a below average IQ as a child. If that were not enough to set him back, John has also had a lifetime of hospitalizations in a matter of just fifteen years. At the age of seven my brother suffered his second setback. He had a seizure while in school, and subsequently was then admitted to the University of Chicago Children's Hospital for a month as the doctor's tried to find out what was wrong with him. Every day the doctors performed an abundance of tedious and painful tests on him, however every day John brought with him unparalleled strength and resiliency to fight through each round of tests. And after six weeks of testing the doctors diagnosed him with colitis and put him on a steroidal medicine to treat his colitis. A few years later though, just as it seemed my brother's problems had peaked, he began a bout with emotional issues due to stress from school and a new steroidal medicine to treat his colitis that actually exacerbated his then undiagnosed bipolar disorder. When my brother was in his cycles of mania and depression we noticed that he was not the John Wrenn we had come to know and love. He ran away from home three times and threatened to end his life on each occasion. Yet, every time John ran away we frantically went out searching the streets hoping to find him before he hurt himself and hurt our family. Luckily, every time we found him safe, but not quiet sound. We knew John was calling out for help and we knew that we had to do something to answer his call for help. So after going to the North Shore University Psychiatric Hospital numerous times and testing various medications, John began to return to his normal self. As of now though, things seem to be on the upswing for my brother and my family. John now is on non conflicting medications to help treat his colitis and bipolar disorder. He is also making progress in reading and writing through writing poetry, which helps him deal with his emotional and physical problems. However, my family and I know that John is not fully recovered and that it will take some time for him to fully heal. And that is why he will soon be at the Meridell Achievement Center in Liberty Hill, Texas to help with his behavioral and education problems. Though my brother's life has been filled with setbacks, we are all confident that John is on the pathway to success and we all hope one day he will be able to achieve all the goals that he has. I have learned from my brother that all people have talents and abilities regardless of their mental, learning, or physical disabilities. My brother has taught me not only how to be a caring brother, but also how to be a caring and compassionate person. And I now know that I want to help kids who are in similar situations as my brother. I want to teach kids that they can learn and be successful in life no matter if they have learning, physical, or behavioral problems. However, the most important lesson I have learned from my brother is that in life nothing exactly works out how you thought it was going to work out, but if you have a positive attitude, work hard, have faith, and are kind many great things will happen in your life.
Okay, you need to have a separate paragraph after you do the introduction. Make this paragraph 2:
However, as I grew up my feelings of jealousy ...
But go back to the end of paragraph 1 and add a thesis sentence. If you have no thesis sentence you have to just have the reader follow you through the story, and that is a lot of work even if you.
Maybe you can start the last paragraph here:
Though my brother's life has been filled with setbacks, we are all...
However, the most important lesson I have learned from my brother is that in life nothing exactly works out how you thought it was going to work out, but if you have a positive attitude, work hard, have faith, and are kind many great things will happen in your life.---this is good right here, though a little cliche. If you can make it a little more specific, like, specific to his particular type of situation, that will make it more meaningful. Also, this is the statement that captures the meaning of the essay, so write a sentence about it as that thesis sentence at the end of paragraph one.
:-)
