Rough draft, needs critiquing, any opinions are appreciated!
Four years ago, I was of course, like every other teenager; moody, disorganized, egotistical, and thought the world revolved around me. The tiniest problems seemed like unconquerable mountains at that time, so my world consisted of anything and everything pertaining to me. I could never really concentrate on subjects that didn't relate to my reputation or social life. I never had any of my priorities straight, and I was simply scatterbrained. That is, until I learned that my brother, Gary, was to be sent to Afghanistan to fight in the war.
I was fourteen years old when I learned that my older brother was going to be shipped to Afghanistan. This was a very crucial time in my life, and I was stuck in a state of disbelief. I was depressed. I was anxious. I was filled with so many emotions, I couldn't think straight. But what I did know is that I didn't want him to go. When he first joined the Army, I knew that there was a chance of him having to leave for this reason, but I never dreamt it would actually happen. All I could think about was "Why? Why him? Why not someone else?", but despite this, I prepared myself mentally just in case the time came where we would have to say our farewells. When it did, it hit me that Gary needed to go. He needed to be a brave a soldier that would protect this country; he's doing it for not only my family and I, but for everyone. Having the ability to learn things from a different perspective was something that was necessary for me to develop in order to cope with his departure.
Being so young and naïve, I was never able to set my priorities straight, until Gary left. Before his news, I by no means had any goals set for myself. Everything in my life revolved around my reputation, and my social status. I shrugged off anything that required hard work, such as school. I always thought about school as something that will always be there. But what if it wasn't? During Gary's time of leave, I become conscious that my life wasn't going to go anywhere, unless I set goals and work to achieve them. I wanted to take advantage of my right to a proper education, a right that my brother was off fighting for. There are plenty of countries that don't have opportunities such as college and schooling, like we do, and I didn't want to let my chance at learning go down the drain. I knew I had to reorganize my priorities, and push myself to make accomplishments that previously, I had never thought twice about.
Through this experience, I gained many characteristics that can be applied to all aspects of life. I have been granted maturity to see things in more than one perception, and the push I've been needing to set objectives for myself. Now, four years later, I still keep close to me the impact these lessons have made on me, and the fact that if I didn't experience a situation as such, I would not have grown to be a better person, the person I am today.
Great job with this one. It shows that you write well, but it also shows how INTROSPECTIVE you are... and that is impressive! This will probably be read by an admissions person who has raised teenagers and will feel consolation in those first sentences. However, I recommend this:
Four years ago, I was of course, like every other a "typical " teenager: moody...
Now how about referring back to that at the end of the essay? Oh... I see that you do refer back to it... great job!! Now, if you take my advice, you can use the word typical in " " marks again at the end. And this last sentence is too awkward! Don't allow yourself to leave sentences like this in your essays -- you owe it to the reader to clean it up. :-)
Now, four years later, I remain mindful of the still keep close to me the impact significance of these lessons have made on me and of the fact that without them if I didn't experience a situation as such, I would not have grown to be a better person, the person I am today. (now add one more powerful sentence).
