Any comments and advice will be appreciated, thanks in advance. The prompt and essay are as follow:
Please recount a life-changing experience, explain how it impacted you and how you plan to use it in a positive manner to better yourself and your community.
My whole life I had to deal with my brother's unpleasant behavior; I remember when my brother who was about seven years old was a huge trouble maker, he did not behave. When he was in elementary school the teachers could not deal with him that they just decided to sent him to the Life Skill classes. When in reality he only had a behavior issue not a special need, his problem could have been fixed but they just gave up on him. Now at fourth teen years old he does not know how to read or write very well, and still has behavior issues. Sometimes I really wish that my relationship with him was more satisfying that the one we have right now. The significant challenge that my brother brought to my life has impacted my life more than I would have ever thought.
When he was just in elementary school he was taken to a clinic where he stayed for a couple of weeks, there they tried to help him with his behavior. This did not worked he was still the same, his behavior continue the way it was before. When he went on to middle school things just got worse, this is when he started to hang out with the wrong people. He entered the world of curiosity, he still had behavior issues and at this point he got into probation. He was locked up a couple times, but only over the weekend it never passed three days before he would come back home. He also had the curiosity of trying new things, he was caught with tobacco at school and had to attend a tobacco class and do community service. His actions took him to an alternative correctional school, which was no help at all he would say that he liked it there because he wouldn't do much at this school.
At this moment his in high school and still has behavior issues and does not know how to read or write very well. The challenge that he has brought upon me has impacted me, I see the way he acts and I ask myself why he is like that? What drove him to be this way? I think that as the time goes on his behavior is getting worse, he screams at my mom and calls her names. When I hear him I tell him to stop and to not be talking to her that way; what he does is scream at me that is none of my business, to leave him alone. Now I'm at a point where I don't know whether to thank him for making me a stronger person or be angry at him for making my life challenging.
What I can say about his behavior is that he has drove me to help people and be more compassionate toward others, who have similar characteristics as him. When I'm in my classes and see that a certain student needs help I make myself available. There's this particular student in one of my classes who reminds me of my brother, and for this reason I feel compassionate towards this student. An example that I believe can reveal my leadership ability is when I go to the elementary school to volunteer; there I help with the students who have trouble focusing and behavior issues. When they are off tasks, with a simile I lead them towards their assignments.
When I sit down and think about things this is what motivates me to succeed in life and continue my education. I also hope that one day my brother will get motivated to better himself, realize that his behavior is not helping anyone and that is not too late to change his life. In the future I want to continue helping students and motivate them to better themselves, not only for them but also for the sake of their family.
I'll be perfectly honest...I feel that this may be too sketchy of a topic for a college essay. Yes, it does answer the question, but I feel as though you put a LOT of information out there that may deter an essay reader.
I remember when my brother who was about seven years old was a huge trouble maker, he did not behave.
can start a new sentence.
Since seven, my brother was a huge trouble maker.
I think you really focused too much on talking about your brother. You should talk more in detail about the change, and how you developed your passion. Discuss how you and others benefited from this change.
You can't start a sentence like this:
My whole life I had to...---That is a common way to talk, but in composition you need a preposition like "During" or "Throughout"
What is this? ---> fourth teen years old
Here is an opportunity to learn the correct way. Do it like this:
...he was fourteen years old.
What I can say about his behavior is that he has drove driven me to help ...
And I want to work on this sentence, too:
When I sit down and think about things this is what motivates me to succeed in life and continue my education.
When I sit down and think about things, I feel motivated to succeed in life and continue my education.
:-)
