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Brothers At Heart-inspiration


knguyen2893 1 / -  
Dec 22, 2010   #1
I am having a little trouble editing my college essay about my inspiration. I feel that it is far too long and I need some help condensing the essay. Could someone please help me?

I wake up each morning to the sound of my alarm clock and go through the same routines. I get dressed, proceed to the bathroom, and eat my daily bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. When finished, I walk over to the pot of soil that my mother has placed in the living room where she planted two seeds. Every day, I water the soil but I always question how the two seeds will sufficiently grow into healthy flowers in such a space limiting pot? However, only time will tell what these flowers will end up like in the end.

Now I ask, have you ever known someone who was your best friend but would also put you down when he had to? Have you ever known someone who would assist and aid you no matter what, but would also try to crush you in any competition that presented itself? I know of someone similar to that. His name is Andy and he happens to be my cousin.

Since we were born, Andy and I have always shared some connection according to our parents. Some could even say that this connection was almost as if we were brothers, possibly twins. We are both stubborn, picky about food, enthusiastic yet sedate, and impulsive. Andy and I shared the same interests in toys, television shows, and activities. We would always play together and were inseparable when engaged in a heavy game of freeze tag.

Despite sharing an abundance of similarities as children, time eventually caught up. As time passed, we grew older and lead our own paths that would essentially make marks as new chapters in our lives. We made our own friends and grew into our own person. I had to face the fact that we were growing up and that things would change regardless of what I tried to do. The past where we would play "the ground is lava" together was long gone and I knew I could not dwell on that sentimental period of time that had engraved itself upon my palette of memories.

I think it is safe to say for the both of us that growing up was never easy for either of us when your parents were constantly comparing you to your "perfect" cousin. As a child, all you wanted was to enjoy each day with your favorite Power Rangers action figure that would speak when a button was pressed. All you wanted was to enjoy your Saturday afternoons watching the newest episode of Pokemon. However, my parents would constantly protest about how I couldn't be more like Andy. Unfortunately, the constant comparisons served as a catalyst that compelled the two of us to become rivals.

I would constantly force myself to be better then Andy at everything. I would not give up unless I had the upper edge on him as satisfaction would not be reached until I had the top spot. This competition would sometimes create tension between the two of us. Needless to say, despite this "clash", we were still brothers at heart. He would help me whenever I was in a personal dilemma and I would gladly do the same for him. We made sure that this rivalry would not corrupt the brotherhood we had accumulated since birth.

I realize now that throughout all these years, the competition that we had been engulfed in since we were young had benefited me in many ways during my maturing process. Being in this rivalry helped me find the determination that I need to succeed. By constantly forcing myself to be the better person, I have developed the ambitious outtake that I now have on life. Taking a step back and analyzing this whole situation, I realize that Andy has helped me succeed by driving me to do my best and to settle for nothing less. I am confident to say that I am adequately prepared for any challenge that I will come up against no matter how difficult it may be. I am optimistic about my future and I am determined to let nothing impede my path to success. Just as this rivalry goes on and just as the flowers grow, I will continue to grow as well.

rebrose 8 / 20  
Dec 23, 2010   #2
Your first paragraph hardly connects to the rest of the essay. I understand the analogy you are trying to make but it needs to be more fully developed. Plus there is a lot of superflurous information about waking up and eating cheerios.

Secondly, the style in which you write the second paragraph sounds a little childish. I like the idea you have but you need to say it in a better way.

You have the right idea about comparing Andy to yourself but the idea needs developed more. I would suggest writing another draft.

Good Luck!


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