I brought Kiara into my family: UF ESSAY

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.

Along the years animals have come and gone into my life. A few years back, I brought Kiara into my family. Kiara is my pet cat. She was a stray cat when I found her; I saved her and brought her into my house. Then about four years ago, I started taking care of two stray cats that would just sleep in my backyard. I have fed them and gave them water since then. One of the cats got pregnant soon after Hurricane Katrina hit. She had three kittens, but one was not able to survive the conditions. As a result to one of the kitten's death, I took the other two kittens to the North Miami Humane Society where they would be adopted by a family who could take good care of them.

From events like this, people have come to a conclusion that I am a generous and caring person. They figured that if I care enough about animals to help them out and give them my attention, that I would be the same with people. This can affect my contribution to the UF campus because if someone needs a hand they will think of me. I can be of much assistance to people who need it. I am always willing to lend out my help. I think my campus life would be stellar if I get to meet all these people and have that tight of a relationship with them that they can come to me for help whenever they want.

Adding me to the student body would not just be an advantage to UF. I would be an add-on to the thousands of bighearted students in the community, thus making the school look even better because every person counts. If UF would just have more people who are caring and would give to the community, who knows, maybe UF can have the best campus community in the nation!

To be honest, your example is not strong enough to make me think that you are generous and caring as you say.
And your narrative is a little bit pedestrian.. sort of bored.

Sorry for that , but I think you need to revise, maybe rewrite it. Or start a new one.

The beginning of your essay is not strong enough (just as Imy125 had said). I think if you developed your sentences using more figurative language, and a stronger vocabulary, your essay could create more impressive images. It is also important that you make your sentences 'flow' together; to me, they seemed to be chopped up and do not mesh well. Furthermore, such words like 'stellar' 'tight' and 'bighearted' are not recommended.

As well, Remember that you are given a 400 to 500 word limit- embrace it! Try to pump in as many clever, witty and 'un-boring' sentences as possible. You want your reader to read this essay and remember it- for it to stand out in a crowd and make him want to say "Hey! This student deserves to be in this school."

Good luck!