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"You brought the team together" personal statement


laspinadenise 2 / 10  
Dec 24, 2011   #1
this is my generic essay for the generic prompt,
Using the space below, please write between 250 and 500 words to describe a special interest, significant experience or achievement, or anything else that has special meaning to you or had a significant influence on you.

When I received the Coach's Award for softball during my sophomore year, my initial reaction was less than grateful. I felt guilty and inadequate. I had fractured my femur two weeks into the season and I felt like I was only special because I had a broken leg.

I spent that last day of class, one devoted to celebration, confined by my crutches, sitting in silence. When my coach passed by I asked, "Why did you give it to me?" He simply said, "You brought the team together." I didn't believe him. I didn't understand him, but I never forgot it. It wasn't until the following autumn when I discovered he had resigned as coach that I was finally able to believe him. He would not give away his last award for so little when it had meant so much.

Maybe it was the time I was late to a morning run and ran around Jackson Heights looking for a team could have been in a different neighborhood by the time I had even knotted my laces. I searched anyway and I couldn't have been happier when I found them. Or maybe it was the tears I shed along with my teammates after we lost the championships. Or maybe it was the breakfast I prepared while on crutches just so I could gather the team together and be with them once more. Or maybe it was the sacrifice and strength they saw the year before, in the one freshman brave enough to join the team.

My team knew what I was prepared to sacrifice if it meant I could be there with them through every game and grueling practice. I know the team appreciated that and it meant as much to them as it did to me. My coach saw what I couldn't, that I reminded them that it was worth the sacrifice, they were worth the sacrifice. That must have been how I brought the team together.

Now when I play softball, when I am actually on the field, there's no greater feeling because I know that I'm worthy. I've proved it. No one else on the field can even compare to what I've been through. Every year counts when there's only four and after being deprived of two, I don't take it for granted. My award doesn't let me take it for granted.

I cherish every moment. It's worth running until you can't see straight anymore. It's worth waking up at five a.m. for practice. It's worth it all because if I've learned anything it's this: I'd rather be in and in pain than be out on the sidelines. Now I know exactly what makes me special. Challenges may scare me, but I know that I step up, not down.
gaurangus 2 / 8  
Dec 24, 2011   #2
Can work a lil bit on the last para .. elaborate a lil mre ... I mean use some more lines ...rest if awesome ..
OP laspinadenise 2 / 10  
Dec 24, 2011   #3
what's ambiguous? the whole point of the essay is, i was awarded an award after i broke a leg and was not there, literally, the season. what i 'did' is in that whole 'maybe' paragraph, the point is I myself am not totally sure what i did, all i know is that "i brought the team together" and this is the process in understanding how that could have been

my coach saw what I couldn't (see/understand/comprehend/fathom) that they were worth the sacrifice, i.e. i put more value into them than they did in themselves and they needed to value themselves as much i did. i don't understand how this is ambiguous at all
Sagar_Patel12 3 / 6  
Dec 24, 2011   #4
Don't take my edits offensively. It is only constructive criticism.

One point to note is that you are the creator of this essay; you know what you are trying to say.
However, in the perspective of a reader, I found your ending to be a little confusing. And,no offense, if I find the ending to be confusing, who is to say that an admissions representative may find it confusing as well?

Anyways, more corrections.

My coach saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself.what I couldn'tHe saw my sacrifice.

that I reminded them that it was worth the sacrifice, they were worth the sacrifice. That must have been how I brought the team together.(please revise the last sentence --I don't know what to make of it. )

Now after two seasons,I am actually on the field, and I know that there's no greater feeling (of what?) because I know that I'm worthy ((worthy of what?) . I've proved it. No one else on the field can even compare to what I've been through. Every year counts especially when I've been deprived of two long, painful years., and I don't take playing for granted.,and myMy award doesn't let me take it for granted.

I cherish every moment. It's worth running until you can't see straight anymore. It's worth waking up at five a.m. for practice. It's worth it all because if I've learned anything it's thisI've realized that: I'd rather be in and in pain than be out on the sidelines. Now I know exactly what makes me special. Challenges may scare me, but I know that I step up, not down.
black_pearl_310 2 / 4  
Dec 24, 2011   #5
I think the idea is very good. What you should do to improve yours is just expand the last part of your essay. Tell them what you have gained from your experience and what you can do to contribute to the school you want to apply. It's just my personal opinion, hope it will help u !


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