Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret"

Essay is over "what don't you know?"

Please take a look and give me a constructive criticism.
(I think last paragraph doesn't flow well at all... I need help!)
(Also, it's about 600 words.. how can I make it to 500?)

There was a sudden silence in the room as soon as I walked in. For a few seconds, I felt as if everybody in the room -mom, dad, and I- stopped breathing. Despite mom's instant reaction to my entrance, I caught her odd behavior of thumbing through a phone book without looking at my eyes. Sitting also awkwardly at the edge of the bed, dad asked me how my day was with an artificial smile, which I could not stand. I stared at them with glaring eyes in an effort not to drop a tear. My throat tickled; I was inclined to yell that I was not okay, but no words came out of my lips. I shut the door and went straight to my bed. I heard mom calling my name, but I did not turn back.

This disturbing "conversation" occurred after mom got back from the emergency room. I knew she had been sick the past few nights. However, I did not know, as usual, what was happening with mom. Nevertheless, I still sensed there was something wrong because I heard suspicious whispers from my parents right before I opened the door.

Lying in my bed, I covered my eyes with one arm and took a deep breath. I had bitten my tongue so that my sobbing should be inaudible to my parents. I did not want my parents, especially mom, to know that I was worried about her. Once my heartbeat came back to its regular speed, I recalled the other time when I had no idea about mom's condition.

It was my first grade year. From what I remember, my parents and I looked around a nursery school where I was about to be sent for at least several months. After visiting the nursery school, I burst out crying because I felt like I was going to be abandoned at an orphanage. I had a valid reason to cry; my parents had never told me why I was going to live in a nursery school, separated from them. They had only told me that dad would visit me once a while. Although I resisted and dismissed the plan, I was sent to mom's friend and grandmother without explanation, for several months. Later, I found out indirectly that mom had had some kind of tumor in her ovary and gone through a major surgery. Up to this day, I still do not know whether her tumor was malignant or benign.

For my entire life, I have not known what mom goes through. But now that I am older, I understand mom keeps secrets from me out of love and a desire to protect me from anxiety. She wants to stand strong as a lighthouse beside me so that I can always fall back unto her when I am lost. I still don't know if parents' secretive actions are the best things for children. Because, regardless of parents' best intentions, excluding children from important family matters can create more pain or more confusion, especially for a child who is being moved around without much explanation. It can also cause children to close their mind to parents, thus losing a important adviser and companion in life. Nevertheless, mom's secret has taught me how to "read between the liens"- to understand situations and intentions without any direct communications. It allowed me to have capability to connect with others who use more indirect communication to express needs and desires. Mom's secret also has tested me and set a life goal for me: to become a proud daughter who can even embrace her mother's weakness and vulnerability.

Heeyoung

"She wants to stand strong as a lighthouse beside me so that I can always fall back unto her when I am lost."

Wow. That was a really wonderful and beautiful sentence.


You can start this part off without the because...the reader'll know because of the sentence before it.

The last paragraph does throw me off a little. I can see the point your trying to share, that you're not certain if what you parents did was the best thing even though you said the did it out of love and to protect you. You should definelty put your arguement in there because that's how you truly percieve it. I would suggest however to take out


and make this part of the essay, not personal as the rest of the essay, but generalize your statement for everyone who may go through this. I believe you did a great job realting you view of it to others and adding a precaution to those who may be experiencing the same thing.

Overall, great captivating essay. Good Luck and Best Wishes!

Just a few spelling mistakes I noticed or word usage issues. Overall I think the essay is a great story and it is constructed well. Good Luck!

Thank you, jiggysmalls and fink1318!
I'll work on generalizing my statement. :)

anyone else? please!?

This is fine as it goes. You are a good writer with a good sense of timing. However, I'm not sure it answers the prompt.

You are asked to tell about something you don't know. That's present tense. You told about something you didn't know. That's past tense. What you didn't know, you know now. So, in that sense, you haven't told about something you don't know.

Thank you for the response!

I was thinking the essay still answered the prompt, because I mentioned what I still don't know.


Should I emphasize it more to be clear?

Good image but you're not using the metaphor correctly-- you can't fall back unto (always an awkward word) a lighthouse.

The last paragraph tells too much. Use subtext.

This essay topic is relatable and I can definitely tell that this means alot to you... but I still don't know who you are.

I definitgely think you should emphasize it more. That, and how not knowing is sometimes a fact of life, but that it isn't always necessary to know everything. That's where the spirit of curiosity comes in--colleges want to know what you'll do when confronted with something you don't know anything about.