Suspended for providing useless thread title.
i have brown's supplement essay and i would like you guys to help me one's again.please feel free to criticize cos this will help me grately.
) Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?
I hope to be admitted into your esteemed institution to continue my undergraduate studies and acquire a degree that will be beneficial to my future. Aside from the fact that Brown University is one of the best schools in the country, my personal desire to learn a lot and be with other students who share the same ideals as mine is the primary reason that influenced my decision to consider your institution as the place to obtain a college education. I was motivated by the different existing policies in the school like the open curriculum in the university where students with the help of their advisors and teachers have the freedom to devise their own curriculum. I find this very appealing as I can take all the subjects that I am interested in. Furthermore, I can explore the different disciplines widening my knowledge in a wide array of topics that will prove to be beneficial in the future.
I believe that Brown University offers so much more than quality education. The highly experienced and capable mentors and staff that can assist students with their problems at school as well as the conducive to learning environment are some of the plus factors of the University. The school values diversity and eliminates any superiority in a particular belief or tradition of values. The University is also a melting pot of different philosophies enriched with different meaningful ideas that will be an addition to the students' learning experience. With everything that Brown University has to offer to its students, it is without a doubt that studying at your respected institution will be instrumental to my success in the future.
I hope to be admitted into your esteemed institution to continue my undergraduate studies and acquire a degree that will be beneficial to my future. Seems sort of obvious? Aside from the fact that Brown University is one of the best (I would use a different word here) schools in the country, my personal desire to learn a lot (be more specific) and be with other students who share the same ideals as mine is the primary that influenced my decision to consider your institution as the place to obtain a college education.
You need to break this up. One big block of text will not be impressive. Also, please read the forum rules before posting. Good luck on your admittance to Brown.
I like it and agree with all you have to say about Brown! My only suggestion is to make it a little bit more specific. I understand exactly what you're saying with all of those things because I feel the same way, but keep in mind that there are other colleges that you can say the exact things about. Try to mention something immensely specficic about the school that you like... perhaps a certain professor, a certain class, or a certain tradition.
The first two lines are the exact opposite of what you want to do in a why this college essay, don't talk about how great the school is in terms of reputation(they know how great they are they dont need you telling them!) and dont just start w/ your personal desires and saying how a degree will be "beneficial" to your future. When you start vague and cliche like this, it sets up the rest of the essay to be just that. And thats exactly what happens, "motivated by existing policies", :find it very appealing", "explore different discpilines varying my knowledge", "I believe Brown offers a quality education", "values diversity and eliminates any superiority in belief of values", "melting pot of ideas", basically I've just gone through every line in your essay and seen that theyre all the same extremely vague, overused phrases and ideas that brown will read a million times. Theres not one insightful, profound, or even in the slightest way thought provoking or interesting idea here. Part of hte problem is your trying to do too much, dont list everything you like about the school, go in depth and provide examples, provide something conspicous, provide an anecdote, provide anything that can attract a readers interest. Because right now this is like one of those brochures colleges send out about themselves. Ask yourself why you're really applying to brown? Because it just looks like you've used this essay for like ten other schools, do you really know anything about brown, do you really know about what diversity means and represents, do you really know about those existing policies you mention, do you really know what exploring different disciplines means? I'm not suggesting you do or don't, but thats what you gotta consider and pick one or two of those ideas and run with them, remember you don't have alot of space and usually what people do is try to fill it up w/ fluff like this because they dont know what else to write since theres not alot of room. And thats the worst thing you could do.
The writing is pretty eloquent. I see how you are trying (and why not, even succeeding) to use nice vocabulary and transitions and stuff like this.
The problem is that I do not see much of the personal touch in this. Also, some sentences are pretty obvious, and they could fit to every good university. For example:
"I hope to be admitted into your esteemed institution to continue my undergraduate studies and acquire a degree that will be beneficial to my future."
"one of the best schools in the country, my personal desire to learn a lot and be with other students who share the same ideals as mine"
"The highly experienced and capable mentors"
these are all very general facts and don't add much to this piece of writing.
So to sum up, be more specific and make this short essay more personal.
Hope I helped!