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"Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizon" - Transfer, Common App

2011bss 4 / 6  
Feb 10, 2011   #1
I am a first-time poster. This is my transfer application essay. I am applying to some top schools (including 2 business schools). My stats are pretty good but I am not sure about my essays. Please give me constructive opinion on how I can improve this essay.

I will really appreciate your help.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
It was only last year when I submitted my Freshman Common Application and heaved a sigh of relief with the hope that I will get into an institution which is right for me. Even though the outcome was unexpected, I was not completely dissatisfied by it. When I chose to attend Bryn Mawr, the opportunities afforded by the Tri-College Consortium with Haverford College and Swarthmore, and the Quaker Consortium with both the fore-mentioned colleges and University of Pennsylvania influenced my choice significantly. I wanted to have a diverse college experience with a plethora of academic and non-academic opportunities to exploit and expand my interests. Bryn Mawr seemed to be the best option with access to over 5000 courses in as diverse fields as liberal arts, engineering and business. It took me a while to realize why this college could not offer a satisfying experience for me. For some of my friends, it was the best place to be at but for me, it seemed to have a void which I hope to fill through my transfer application.

Since the beginning of my high school, I was focused about studying Economics and/or Mathematics in college. These areas had always been my strengths along with Accounting and Finance. I came with the same mission to accomplish at Bryn Mawr. However, things did not go the way I had perceived them to. I still want to pursue Economics and Mathematics as a major or a minor but I also want to study business with them. I had pursued a business-oriented curriculum in high school. In British education system, business seemed such a narrow and specialized feel but when I came to Bryn Mawr and got to truly experience the diverse academic experience in US, this rekindled my interest in business. I wanted to study business with a bit of liberal arts. This is what prompted me to visit business schools and colleges that offered business majors or minors with an emphasis on liberal arts. Being there and interacting with their student bodies made me realize how much I missed studying accounting and business. They were studying business with languages, humanities, social sciences and what not. Their aims were even so different from each others'. Some wanted a job at Wall Street while others wanted to go on to graduate business school. There were some who wanted to venture into public policy and government whereas others who wanted to pursue medicine. This affected me a lot as post-college, I want to attend graduate school in Economics or Public Policy. Prior to coming to Bryn Mawr, I had never known how broad the scope of education in US was. I want to study an integrated curriculum which would not just allow me to delve deeper into my chief academic interests but also to experiment with liberal arts.

My schooling has been confined to an all-girls environment from the beginning. I went to a small private high school. Hence, coming to a small, all-girls school was not exotic for me. However, as I really wanted to benefit from a co-educational environment which most schools in US have, I had thought that the Tri-College Consortium would give me enough opportunities to become more confident in interacting with people of opposite sex and meet new people. I could not have gotten such an opportunity at most colleges at home. Even though attending Bryn Mawr gave me access to the co-educational communities at Haverford and Swarthmore, these colleges were small too. They do not have large student bodies and enough social activities going on. These institutions have a certain environment which has largely influenced the type of groups and activities on-campuses. Bryn Mawr has a very feministic feel. Hence, most student activities and traditions are inspired by feminism. I relate myself more to progressivism and liberalism than feminism. There is not much diversity among student groups and organizations on-campus. Hence, I want to go to a bigger school with a diverse student body and a wide range of groups and on-campus activities.

Bryn Mawr has a secluded location. It is located in the suburbs so there are few close-by, off-campus activities one can engage in. I would like to attend a school in a cosmopolitan city with a lively off-campus social scene.

My first-year at Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizons, improved my flexibility and helped me figure out what I want to do in life. Coming here, I have figured out what I want to study and how I want to utilize my skills and education post-college. Even though I am already done with my first-year at college, I feel that it is very important for me to realize what I want to do and then do my best to accomplish it. Hence, I have applied to your institution to pursue my aims there as I feel that it is a better fit for me than Bryn Mawr.
OP 2011bss 4 / 6  
Feb 11, 2011   #2
please help me
james23 3 / 8  
Feb 11, 2011   #3
Too long. You should get strength to the point of transferring. Prompt only asked for why you transferring in other words what made you good candidate and why they should pick you. Take high school stuffs, focus on what you have done while in college. Trust me I am writing same essay right now and I am doing similar thing like you. I hope this help, I also post my essay soon.

so, i will keep in touch with essay as well.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 18, 2011   #4
This has to be WOULD:
... and heaved a sigh of relief with the hope that I would will get into an...

You write well, and I think this will be successful... but as a rule, it is not as useful to explain the details of your dissatisfaction. The important thing is to show the reader that you are passionate about the work you want to do... and proactive about reading. :-)
OP 2011bss 4 / 6  
Feb 25, 2011   #5
Thanks a lot for your detailed response.

I have altered my introduction a bit. Could you please critique it? It is just the beginning of the paragraph.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
This quote by Maria Robinson sums up the purpose of my application. College started and I am half-way through my first year. ....(the rest is same)
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Mar 17, 2011   #6
Intriguing quote!

I don't like talking about endings, though!

Anyway, make it even better by using a comma to separate the 2 parts of the compound sentence:
College started, and I am ...


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