I kinda feel iffy about the flow of the last two paragraphs and I think there are some colon and comma usage mistakes that I need to clean up ,but all opinions are welcomed and I'll be more than happy to edit essay's if needed.
Secret Experiences
Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you would contribute to the community.
I was about eight years old when I can truly say I was dumb struck. At eight years old I shouldn't have had anything to become dumbstruck about, aside from the usual: trying to avoid eating the green disaster that is broccoli, making Barbie perform a critical open heart surgery on Ken while getting ready for the ball, playing outside until the very last second before it got dark, I thought there was nothing. With my eyes wide and mouth open even wider, I watched a couple have what seemed like a normal friendly conversation that strangely enough, I could not follow. Sounds that I had never heard before rolled off of their tongues easily, naturally. My ears greedily snatched every syllable causing my own tongue to try and mimic their "secret code", but the more I tried to follow the more lost I became. Frustratingly curious and filled with a mixture of candy and tremendous eight year old energy I marched up to the couple and asked "Can you pretty please teach me what you are saying?"
Since that day, language, culture, and diversity have become extremely important to me. Living in a country referred to as the "melting pot" not many can say that they have been exposed or even have tried to explore languages, or customs different from their own. Even just trying a meal would be enough. Not only have I never seen anyone turn down free food, but also once it's eaten, the questions begin and indirectly you become exposed to the traditions, stories, and languages associated with it. That experience, as tiny as it may be, can be the beginning of awareness and acceptance; two beautiful and equally important traits as not just a diverse student but as a human being.
At Bryn Mawr I want to meet other passionate students that think like me, think differently from me, even those that are in between, so that I can use those experiences to foster complete awareness and acceptance, that at ten years and many cultures later, I haven't found yet. Although my passion for culture is strong, my interest in each had to do with the warm and friendly people I have associated with them. Bryn Mawr's students, even those that I have accidently bumped into years after they have graduated, are just as warm and friendly, which for a Texas native planning to leave home for four years (and her parents) is reassuring.
What I truly expect from Bryn Mawr is to become dumb struck once again. Never has it happened since that day and only in the most mind-blowing, life changing experiences will it happen again. This could mean a new way of learning, teaching, or thinking. This could also mean a new friendship, community, or environment. Whichever it may be I am sure Bryn Mawr College will leave me with those wonderful eye widening, mouth dropping experiences with the hopes that for others, I can do the same.I really like this essay because it's untraditional in the sense that you talk about your eight year old self. Great use of the "dumbstruck" motif. Note that "dumbstruck" is one word (:
I think what throws me off in the second to last paragraph is the run-on sentence. "At Bryn Mawr I want to meet other passionate students that think like me, think differently from me, even those that are in between, so that I can use those experiences to foster complete awareness and acceptance, that at ten years and many cultures later, I haven't found yet."
Maybe change it to something like, "At Bryn Mawr I want to meet other students who do not necessarily share my ideas and interests, but share my passionate core. With these experiences I can foster an acceptance and awareness that at ten years and many cultures later, I still haven't fully developed yet."
I love first paragraph but in the second sentence maybe say "at that age..." because using eight years old again seemed repetative to me. Also, the "...I thought there was nothing." kind of confused me.
The second paragraph is good because it shows your passion for different cultures, but the second sentence could be tightened up. Maybe, "Living in a country referred to as the "melting pot, " not many can say that they have been exposed to or even have tried to explore different cultures ."
The first sentence of the third paragraph is a run-on.
The fourth paragraph is very good but the last sentence is a little choppy.
Overall it is very personal and shows your passion well. Good luck!
