The Bryn Mawr Honor Code and Self-Government Association affirm the importance of our academic and social communities. In what ways do you see yourself contributing to the Bryn Mawr community and how will these experiences shape your time at the College?
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Throughout high school, I have been shaped by communities of all-women. A leader in one and forever changed by another, I recognize the impact that a strong community, especially of only women, can have on an individual. I know that while at Bryn Mawr, I will receive the benefits of such a community while also doing my best to strengthen it.
As a leader in Girls Service Club, I have carefully cultivated a community of acceptance and support. Having young women to look up to was important to me as I was entering high school. I have become a role model to the girls in the club while also helping to build the community. I want to be given the opportunity to do the same at Bryn Mawr. During the freshman New Member's Luncheon for Girls Service Club, I met a girl who would become a role model to me. It was striking to me how welcoming and genuine she was. She was an officer at the time and my sophomore year when she passed the title of Historian to me, I was honored to fill her shoes. I vowed to create that same feeling of non-judgement and welcoming, carrying on her legacy after she graduated. Now, as the president, I took special care when planning my last New Members Luncheon. It was important to me that our members felt involved, important, and welcomed into the club not only at that event but year round. Girls Service Club, unlike any other service club on campus, has always had a special element to it. It is more than attending meetings and getting service hours. I have formed friendships, mentored, and share many inside jokes with girls across grade levels, diploma programs, and family backgrounds. I have tried to leave a legacy during my time in GSC and set an example for the girls who will hold my title in the future. I want everyone to feel valued and there have been several issues that we have addressed as a club. I listen to the ideas of all members and want them to feel like they can talk to me or any of the other officers. A community is not run by six officers but instead it is run by each and every member. As president, I try to uphold this ideal. I work hard toward improvement for our community and I will always try to learn from other people. In my eyes, that is what makes a good leader. I want to do the same as a Bryn Mawr student, making sure that I am being my best self by leading by example and dedicating my time to serving the community. During my first visit to Bryn Mawr, my tour guide left a lasting impression on me. I felt the same way I did my freshman at the Girls Service Club New Members Luncheon. She was enthusiastic and sincere about how much she loved Bryn Mawr and I still think about her and look up to her as an example of what it means to be a Bryn Mawr student. I want to be that girl to someone else. Even as a first year, I plan to create a place where everyone feels like their voice is valid and heard. The impact that I've left on Girls Service Club, I want make on the Bryn Mawr community and I know I can achieve this during my time at Bryn Mawr.
Surrounding myself with strong women whose basis for their community is one of respect and tolerance will undoubtedly shape not only my time at the college but my outlook on other women and who I am as a young woman. As a pageant veteran, I can speak to the importance of an all-female support system. The stigma surrounding "pageant girls" is unfortunate and not true to my experience. Walking into the first rehearsal of the Dogwood Trail Pageant, I cannot lie and say that I did not have certain expectations for the other girls; in reality, it was a competition. Holding the title of Dogwood Trail Maid and being a part of the sisterhood that the court shares is something so many girls dream about. I expected to have to
fight for this. I expected the other girls to be cold and unwelcoming. But in the three months between the first rehearsal and the night of the program, I was forced to abandon my preconceived notions of the other girls. We established a unique bond- a sisterhood of our own. When my name was not called for the top twelve and I knew that I would not be on the court, I broke down into tears on stage. Along with the sixteen other girls who were told "try again next year," I was herded to a separate dressing room where almost every girl was crying. And as I made my rounds, hugging everyone and tripping over layers of tulle, I realized that I was not crying just because I would never be a Dogwood Trail Maid. No one in that room was. We were crying also in honor of the girls who were chosen. We all collectively agreed that whichever six girls made the court, they deserved it. To me, that moment epitomized what it means to be a part of an all-female community. The overwhelming feeling of gratitude I experienced in that dressing room will never leave me. Being in such a community is inspiring, enlightening, and encouraging. It taught me to be more mindful of how I view other young women and how I view myself. Even in the midst of a literal competition, there was never animosity among the girls. Without a sense of competition, I was able to grow into a better version of myself. I know that I thrive in communities like this and I know that Bryn Mawr will provide me with a similar experience. Discouraging competition is very important to me and I know that this way, I'll be able to focus on becoming the best version of myself I can be. Women's colleges build self- esteem and a respect for other women that is invaluable in today's society. This is how I expect my experiences at Bryn Mawr to shape me.
I know how much the women at Bryn Mawr value the sisterhood they have worked for years to create and I will further strengthen the community and carry the values of respect with me from the day I walk onto campus as a Mawrter until long after I graduate.
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Thank you for any feedback! Positive feedback is appreciated.
Audrey, first of all, your essay answers the prompt very well and it started pretty strong, I haven't really read the entire essay but I'd like to share my initial thoughts by giving you the following remarks for the first two paragraphs of your essay.
1st paragraph
- especially ofaonly women only community , can have on an individual.
- I know that while at Bryn Mawr, I will receive the benefits of sucha communityeducation while also doing my best to strengthen itempower the community .
2nd paragraph
- As a leader in a Girls Service Club,
- During the freshman, ( don't forget your punctuation marks to leave a breather for your readers ) New Member's Luncheon for Girls Service Club,
- carryingto carry on her legacy after she graduated .
- The Girls Service Club, unlike any other service clubs in theon campus,
- has always had a special element to it.
- I want to be that girl to someone elseother members .
- Even as a first year,Should I be admitted to Bryn Mawr, I plan to create a place
- The impact that I've left on the ( use the word "the" to create that impact of the organization in your essay and in your life as a whole ) Girls Service Club, I want make on the Bryn Mawrto create the same community and I know I can achieve this during my time at Bryn Mawr.
There you it Audrey, my initial remarks and I hope it helped. I'll get back to you as soon as I can for the rest of the essay.
Hi Audrey, this is the final remarks for your essay.
3rd paragraph
- Surrounding myself with strong women whose basis for their community is onewith a foundation of greatof respect
- and tolerance will undoubtedly shape not only my time at thein college but
-ButHowever, in the three months between
- To me, thatthe moment epitomized
- This is how I expectforesee ( "expect" sounds a bit selfish ) my experiences at Bryn Mawr towill shape me.
Final paragraph
- from the day I walk onto the campus as a Mawrter until long after I graduate and for as long as it shall .
Audrey, you did a very good transition and the sentence construction got smoother as it progressed towards the end of the essay.
I hope my remarks helped.
