Alright so I have 2/3 of the qualities written for the Bucknell essay. Basically the prompt is to write three things I want Bucknell Students and Faculty to know about me. They are separate paragraphs. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
1. When people describe our society as a selfish society, they are usually referring to the fact that we, as a whole, do not think of any other person but ourselves. Many people do not realize how selfish we are in perspective to the environment and its inhabitants. It has been a belief of mine for many years that animals and the environment should receive the same level of concern as the people in society. I realized that many people do not agree with me and that is perfectly fine with me. I do not wish to push my beliefs on anyone else nor do I wish people to attempt to change my opinions. I stopped eating animals over five years ago as a symbol that I view them as an equal to myself. I recycle whenever I can and purchase all recycled goods, including my school supplies. Although I am only one girl, my philosophy is that by not buying meat products and purchasing only consumer goods that are recycled, I am changing the market little by little and creating a demand in only the areas that I see help improve the treatment of the environment and animals.
2. Even as a child, I have always loved music. As a little girl, I sat on my toy keyboard and attempted to learn songs such as "Ba Ba Black Sheep". When I reached fifth grade, I took up violin and have been attached to it ever since. Violin is my escape route, my counselor, and my friend. When I am stressed or something is really bothering me, I turn to my escape route. As soon as I pick up the bow and I stroke the strings, I instantly divert my attention. In times of sorrow or when I need advice, I turn to my counselor. The songs seem to give me time to think rationally instead of jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Finally, when I am just lonely or bored, there is always my friend sitting in the corner of my room. There is no need to make plans because he is always available. We play for hours and entertain each other as if nothing else was important. Violin has taught me how extravagant the human mind responds once euphoric on the musical bliss created by the human body and mind working together.
This is coming out just fine! How would you feel about switching your paragraphs? Making your love of the violin first seems to make it flow better for some reason, though your topics are equally important.
When people describe our society as a selfish society , they are usually referring to the fact that we, as a whole, do not think of anyone other person but ourselves.
Many people do not realize how selfish we are in regards to the environment and its inhabitants.
I stopped eating animals over five years ago as a symbol that I view them as an equal to myself.
...I am changing the market little by little and creating a demand in only the areas that I see help improve the treatment of the environment and animals.
As a little girl, I sat at my toy keyboard and attempted to learn songs such as "Ba Ba Black Sheep".
Violin has taught me how extravagantly the human mind responds once euphoricto the musical bliss created by the human body and mind working together.
Even as a child, I have always loved music. ---> You don't need to include "have," so leave it outl It weakens the sentence a little.
These are great! Your writing sort of proves that you have gone deep into the meditation of making music.
