Hey everyone~ I am not so sure about this essay~ I still have around 500 character to add. Can anyone give me some suggestion about how to improve it to make it more impressive?ăHarsh words are welcomed!
Engineer and Science Desire
"Have you seen the stars?" No. "Have you seen the cloud?" "No..." "What does the air smell like?" "It stinks." This is a world of my little new nephew Jia. Living in one of the most polluted areas in central China, instead of having a colorful childhood, his world was tanned into grey and black by hundreds of factories erected in the late decade. I want to be an engineer, so that one day I may find a cleaner energy, to help mitigate this environmental hazard of industrialization, and to change the life of thousands of kids like Jia.
Since young, when a majority of people tended to accept fact as it is, I was always curious about why it is like this or how it is made. It was this curiosity that ignited my burning desire in science. In high school, I participated in a lot of investigative research programs. The most interesting one is when we build our own "winery" in sophomore year. Intrigued to learn how the wine is made from grapes, together with three other teammates, we researched intensively about every detail of wine making. From selecting the grapes, cleaning, adding sugar and sealing, we spent hours and hours experimenting, trying to find out the best sugar/grape proportion and sealing period to improve the flavor and taste of wine. Finally, after 40 days of anxious waiting, when our first bottle of wine was produced, the sweet and gentle taste of our wine infused us with a great sense of accomplishment. And the days working with my team also taught me leadership and cooperation, this skills that I can apply to any situation that I would be faced studying engineering.
The University of Toronto always has a very special place in my heart. Ever since I first went abroad and studied for a summer program in University of Toronto at age 13, University of Toronto became the school that fits all my expectations of an ideal place for study. As a girl with various extracurricular interests, the unique residential college system, the multicultural environment as well as the vibrant and eventful student life all prepare me to delve into many facets of interests in dance, debate, and language study. As a girl with a particular curiosity in engineering and technology, I need a community that encourages creativity and innovative ideas. I feel the state-of-the-art engineering program would be my best place to be challenged. From the highly regarded interdisciplinary education to the opportunity of academic advancement, I know that the University of Toronto can offer me exactly what I need to become a successful engineer in the future.I enjoyed reading your essay! I think you have great material to work with. The intro was well done.
A couple advice:
While the wine making story was good, it seemed a little out of place considering the first paragraph and your desire to find green energy alternative. I see the point and the story can definitely stay in the essay. But I would talk a bit more about your goal to find cleaner energy.
Also try to talk more about what you can bring to University of Toronto's community. Student-College relationship is a mutual relationship. You want education, they want your contributions to their school and community.
Please critique mine? (Passion for Journalism)
Hi,
I think your essay has an impressive introduction. I was blown away by the anecdote because it both explained why you chose this major and why you feel so passionate about it. Correct a few grammar errors (This is a world of my little new nephew, Jia), and your first paragraph is good to go!
In regards to the following paragraphs, I was disappointed that you chose to stray away from your personal experience. Although the third paragraph answers the prompt, I think it could be made stronger with a vision linked to the first paragraph. I would recommend scratching the second paragraph and elaborating upon the first anecdote.
Best of luck!
