Hello!! Im from India, but originally from South Korea.
I really need your help for my college essay.
it's long but plz go through it and give me feed back.
any critiquing would be appreciated. Plz check my grammar and language.
Thank you so much in advance for your precious time.
common app first prompt - significant experience, achievement..
"Grade 7 to Grade 9 those who are interested in participating the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008, Please contact Mr. Nirmal before or on 17th August" I read the announcement on our school's intranet announcement board. I ran to the computer department immediately looking for Mr. Nirmal who was in charge of newly introduced robotics program in school. "Mr. Nirmal, this is Jin U from grade 11 and I'm really interested in participating the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008. Is it only for grade 7 to 9 grade or is there any chance for 11th graders?" "Hmm.. actually I was planning to have it for only grade 7 to 9 but since you are showing a keen interest, Why not? I will let you participate. I'm glad that you are really interested. Please come and meet me on Saturday at 3 o'clock." "Thank you, Mr. Nirmal" I always dreamed of having such programs in our school and finally my dream came true. I've always had a keen interest in playing with machines, electronics and making something new on my own. But since the location and facilities in school kept us away from having those programs, robotics program was a great opportunity for people like me. Robotics was something new to me but I was sure that I could do something and surprise others with my talent. Finally, the day came and I went to meet the teacher with throbbing heart and great expectations. "Oh you are here, so.. have you ever built a robot or taken a robotics course?" "No, this is the first time but I have been playing with machines and electronics since 3rd grade" "Okay, then I think you will be able to do something. I will give you a kit to build a robot. Follow the instructions and start building" I had a look at the instruction sheet and started building a robot. After about an hour, I finished building a robot and showed it to the teacher. "What? You finished building it? Let me have a look. Wow, you are great it took me about 3 hours to build one. This is great" "Thank you, sir" "Now you need to write a program using a program called Mindstorms NXT. It's very simple once you understand it. Just like how you followed the instructions building a robot, you just need to follow the instruction to write a program"
Everything was new to me; building a robot, writing a program, making a robot to work. I enjoyed every moment and bit of robotics program. I was appointed as a leader of the robotics club in school. We practiced and practiced to take part in the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008. We were given a task to accomplish using a robot. We had to knock down 4 cans and collect ping-pong balls that were placed at different parts of the playfield. It was a very challenging and not an easy task for us who just began taking part in robotics. Being a leader of the club, I had to work harder than others with great responsibility. Robot, how to collect balls, how to design, etc, my mind was full of robotics all the time; studying, eating, playing, and also while sleeping. It drove me mad but made me pleased thinking of the moment achieving the goal of our robotics club. These thoughts motivated me and also our members who were really into robotics. Knocking down 4 cans was an easy task and we managed to do it, but collecting 16 ping-pong balls was a challenging task which required high techniques, both the designing and programming. Disassembling, assembling, programming, and experimenting went on and on for another 2 weeks. We devoted ourselves to robotics in order to achieve our only hope; collecting 16 balls. As it is said that hard work repay for it, we finally managed to collect balls. The moment the robot started to collect balls, my teammates and I shouted in great joy and happiness which we got from achieving a goal. From the leader's point of view, it was a great and unforgettable moment as I could see my members celebrating the achievement that we have made, laughing in great joy and pleasure. Finally the day of competition approached, making us nervous but also excited at the same time. We were keyed up to see other great competitors all over south India. We were surprised to see them; everyone was distinctive with their uniquely designed robots and skills. They caught our attention all the time, each of them making us put ourselves down. We didn't manage to win nor in top three. It was a very disappointing moment, my team was the only team who could collect the balls but the last minute change in our robot's design led us to failure not even able to show our gifted talent of robotics. I comforted my teammates promising the win for the next year's competition. Being a leader, I had a lot of pressure and responsibility on me since our hard work over two months burst like a bubble because of my last minute decision of changing the design of the robot. Then about after a year, we again participated in the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2009. Being a senior and knowing that it will be the last chance for me participating in the Indian Robotics Olympiad I worked really hard with my new teammates remembering the promise from the last year. This time everything went very smoothly as we managed to design an appropriate robot for robot pocket ball and very effective program for the robot. "120, one more trial, 120, one more trial 120, yes!!!! We will win for sure" Maximum score we can receive in the competition was 120 and we kept on getting 120 in every trial. After 12 hours long journey, we arrived in Bangalore where the last Robotics Olympiad for me and my teammates was going to be held. The competition began, we were given 2 and half hours to build our robot, write program and practice. Everything was done in the first 40 minutes and we had plenty of time for the practice round. We utilized our precious time effectively to make our robot perfect. Practice went on and on correcting the program and perfecting the robot. "little more, we are very close to the perfect score, 120. Come on guys we can do it" I encouraged my teammates trying to give them a boost. "Yes!!!! We got it!! Well done well done guys!!" I shouted out in great happiness with our achievement. We were one step closer to the win. Other competitors looked at us with envious eyes. We were the only team getting a perfect score while others were getting about 60 to 80 points. "Good job guys, it's great, keep it up let's win the trophy! We can make it" Finally the first round of the competition began, the judge called out my team. I walked to the playfield with confidence holding my robot in my hands, placed my robot on the playfield and pressed the start button with great hope. My team's robot started to move. "Yes, yes come on. Oh no!!" I shouted out looking at my teammates, ours faces distorted refusing to believe what was happening in front of us. The robot was not moving straight since the alignment of the robot was not proper. We received only 60 points for the first round. We were very disappointed with our first round result, now only one last chance remaining we checked our robot carefully. Now the second and the last round of the competition began. Our team's turn came, with a hope of perfect score; I picked up my robot and placed it on the playfield, pressed the start button, closed my eyes and started to pray. I opened my eyes and saw my robot moving straight and putting in 3 balls continuously and now the one last ball remaining on the playfield I went close to my teammates hugging them and celebrating the win in advance turned back to see our robot putting in the last ball. The moment I turned to see the robot, a surprising spectacle was witnessed. I rubbed my eyes refusing to accept the thing that happened; the robot stopped working before putting in the last ball. I stood still for a moment remaining speechless, couldn't believe what just happened. We ended up getting just 80 points when our potential was very close to the maximum score. It was a very dissatisfactory result as it just turned our hard work into nothing which has no meaning.
After the competition, for another few days, I couldn't accept the fact that we lost and the memory of the competition kept on coming in and out in my mind. It was hard to believe and admit the loss. My teammates and I knew that we were the best but with no luck. We were not the champion but certainly we realized that we were the champions after all. We fought and struggled with ourselves to achieve something and try something new that we had never faced. This experience gave me an insight of myself to me realizing and discovering my new talent of leadership and robotics even though I didn't win any prize but won against myself. This was a very precious and meaningful experience and achievement that I have made in my life.
Hi or anyunghaseyo =)
At first glance I think you need to section your essay into paragraphs to make it looked more organized.
Heres some gramatical suggestions for the first few sentences:
-its important to not randomly capital letters
-numbers under 10 should be written out
-check your puncuation around your quotes
"Can students in grade seven to grade nine who are interested in participating the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008, please contact Mr. Nirmal before or on 17th August." I read the announcement on our school's intranet announcement board. I ran to the computer departmentimmediately looking for Mr. Nirmal who was in charge of newly introduced robotics program in school. "Mr. Nirmal, I am Jin U from grade 11 and I'm really interested in participating the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008 . Is it only for grade 7 to 9 grade or is there any chance for 11th graders?" "Hmm.. actually I was planning to have it for only grade 7 to 9 but since you are showing a keen interest, why not?
Everything was new to me. Building a robot, writing a program, making a robot work. I enjoyed every moment and bit of robotics program. I was appointed as a leader of the robotics club in school. We practiced and practiced to take part in the Indian Robotics Olympiad 2008. We were given a task to accomplish using a robot. We had to knock down 4 cans and collect ping-pong balls that were placed at different parts of the playfield.
-good luck and I hoped I helped!!
