Hey guys! If you would be so kind as to help me with a personal statement of mine, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks! The assignment asked to write a personal statement about a character-defining moment, a personal hardship, or something along those lines.
I looked distressingly over to my group advisor, Mr. Kern. We made eye contact, and his eyes told me, "You're their candidate. Not me." I realized that this was my group and I needed to lead them to win the mock senatorial election at the National Leadership Summit. I had qualities of a leader like ambition and diligence, but leading is a very reciprocal process. To say that leaders are driven and hardworking would be too basic a description; leaders bring out the best in their teams to reach a common goal, and I needed to do just that.
It is said that you can learn a lot about a person within the first minute of meeting him or her. Having met my group for a few hours, I had observed enough to form a team. Kimya sat two seats away, sketching her hand on a sheet of notebook paper. Every nuance and shade of the meticulously drawn hand told me she would flourish as the media specialist, a duty which entailed making campaign posters. Alec sat at the far corner of the table, entertaining his neighbors with his contagiously upbeat personality. He would be perfect as a press secretary, who socialized and in doing so, got my name out. Jeremy sat nearby with his Dell laptop open, reading the current events, and I knew he would enjoy being head researcher. And so this process continued until the team was complete.
In the end, our efforts culminated in a victory. I could tell you it was due to a grasp of elocution. I could tell you it was due to ambition. However, these qualities are peripheral to why I succeeded. I succeeded because I brought together a group of different people who I had met just a few hours before and made them a team. From the stage, during the mock inauguration, I looked to Mr. Kern again. This time, he was clapping. His eyes told me, "You did it."
Your personal statement gives a good overall example and hangs together. However... I miss the character-defining moment. I reread and tried to find it but couldn't. The intro is the best place to set up the reader, but I didn't get why you referred to Mr. Kern ("I looked distressingly over to my group advisor, Mr. Kern.")
I realized that this was my group and I needed to lead them to win the mock senatorial election at the National Leadership Summit. I had qualities of a leader like ambition and diligence, but leading is a very reciprocal process.
There is a part missing in your narration. It fast forwards from the first three sentences to assuming the reader knows why you were the self-appointed leader. Were you selected by your team or Mr. Kern? Maybe it would help to clarify that.
This essay really brought a smile to my face. I usually do not care too much for fancy use of detail and descriptive writing, but the imagery you use is really brilliant.
I am adding this to my collection so that other people can benefit.
But what is the POINT of the essay? I mean, I know you won, and it shows that you write very well, but at the end I need you to connect this experience to your goals for the near future, and to really make the reader see the change that happened. As you add material to the end, use some key words from the essay prompt so that you can show how you are responding to it.
:-)
