Hello everyone! This is my first draft for the UBC personal profile I will be submitting. Please take a look and tell me what you think! Thank you!
Tell us about who you are.
How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
I moved to Richmond in 2009, when I was seven years old. Growing up, I loved to build toys, and I would always cut apart boxes to make my own model airplanes and cars. It has been a hobby of mine that I still carry to this day, and I am very proud of my designs since they represent my ability to create an invention from something that would have otherwise been thrown away. Sometimes, they would fall apart if I do not build them well; so making these novelties have taught me a lot about being comprehensive and meticulous in everything I do. These traits have translated well into my activities in both my community and school. When I am volunteering, guests would often describe me as someone who is attentive to their needs and takes care of the minutiae that turns their experience into an exceptional one. Additionally, my friends who often work alongside me in group projects and community events discover that I am a person that seeks perfection in my work and commits to a task until I am satisfied. Today, I am a person that can work both in teams and independently. My experiences in the neighborhood and at home have shaped me into a person who plans each task all the way through but makes changes accordingly. I believe that my efforts and commitment should be shown through my work in the community and the results I produce.
Very good information, however I think it would be beneficial if you added voice and personality. How did your hobbies change you and how did you feel? Overall, very strong examples.
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I'm a contributor - and I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this essay of yours. Don't hesitate to approach us again!
I agree with the previous comment that you need to work a bit more on adding flair and personality to your writing, especially since you are considering adding these sorts of information for the rest of the text. What you can do to improve what you currently have now is to try and compartmentalize the details you've laid out. What I can recommend to improve the organization of your writing will be to definitely try and create a briefing at the very beginning of your text. Introduce first which values you believe are associated with yourself - afterward, you can proceed to giving out details as to why you think these details are associated with you. Enabling this will give you a better idea on how to improve the totality of your writing, which will help you curate a more established writing approach.
Best of luck!