Hello, please give me feedback on my essay. The more the merrier, thank you!
My head is a raging bull
Most of the time, I am able to control the volatile actions of my head. I imagine my consciousness as a matador, deft in its ability to tame the mad beast. However, if you were to meet me for the first time, and I tried to describe to you my head's brash temperament, forceful kicking power, and brutally sharp horns, you would think I am out of my mind. In fact, you might even think I am being facetious. At least that is what everyone in the audience thought at the national dance competition last summer. As I started to perform my solo hip hop piece in front of the several hundred faces in the audience, my head started to put on an animalistic performance of its own on stage, independent of the rest of my body. My stomach started to churn with anxiety as I tried to subdue the savage beast by clenching my shoulders and tightening the muscles in my neck, executing anything in my control to possibly stop the audience from becoming distracted and diverting its focus off of the fruit of hours of diligent rehearsal the rest of my body was displaying. Ultimately, I was unsuccessful at trying to hide the bull within me.
Tourette Syndrome is a beast I have lived with all my life. The symptoms of my Tourettes, referred to as tics, consist of uncontrollable spasm-like movements, such as head jerking, clenching of muscles, and excessive blinking. Childhood may have been the only time in my life when I was entirely oblivious to my Tourettes. Somehow during this time, people did not seem distracted when I interacted with them. I was fully accepted by others, as if it were somehow completely normal to be a human, cymbal-banging monkey toy. The constant jerking of my head was affectionately referred to as 'rocking out' by those around me, something I am fondly reminded of when watching a particular home video of my seventh birthday party, where my mom is playfully telling my friends gathered around our dining room table, "Don't worry, (my name) is just rocking out," as I uncontrollably nodded my head in several attempts to blow out my candles, all while sporting a wide grin across my face.
As you can imagine, there is a darker side to my life with Tourettes. As we grow older, our perceptions change, and my tics were not cast in such an innocent light by peers as they once were during childhood.
You might be able to foretell the conclusion of my story. This is the part in my essay where you expect me to ramble on about the negative influences Tourettes has had on my life. I could do this, however, if I were to, I think I would have to turn myself in for animal cruelty. Tourettes may seem a vicious and harmful creature on the outside, but in truth, it is just misunderstood. Contrary to what I am sure most people would assume, Tourettes is indubitably the greatest gift and doorway to opportunity that I have received thus far in my life. Sure, it has presented its challenges, challenges that I still deal with every single day. Yet, it is because of the hurdles Tourettes has put in my way that I am driven to push past my comfort zone, and to take on challenges and seek opportunities that seem beyond my capabilities and initial expectations. If it weren't for Tourette Syndrome, my life would have slipped into mediocrity after childhood, and the grin I happily wore during my 7th birthday party would cease to exist. There is no hiding Tourette Syndrome, the bull within me.So... Are you trying to write about your accomplishments in dance or your accomplishment in overcoming your disability? Reading the first paragraph, it seemed like you were setting up your essay to write about your accomplishments in dance. Try editing your first paragraph so that it mentions your disability instead of the dance competition. This essay shows what you had to overcome but I'm kind if on the fence whether or not this essay would be better for the part where you write about your disability.
I LOVE your analogy relating Tourettes and a raging bull, but the first five sentences are a bit confusing. At first glance, I thought the raging bull was your temper. The reference to sharp horns is also misleading. You also contradict yourself by saying that your consciousness is deft, or very skillful, in taming the beast, but then you panic on stage when you can't control it; perhaps you should instead saying that you can only consciously control your tics and jerks half the time. Your last paragraph is very good; it shows how you have grown and matured because of your disorder.
plee24, thank you so much for your advice, it's invaluable. I will make the changes you provided, and also I think you're right about the first paragraph being a little unclear. I'll post the edited version, thank you.
