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I Was Bullied as a Kid - Essay Question: Tell us more about yourself.

TGorsi 1 / -  
Feb 2, 2017   #1
The whole question: Please tell us more about yourself. Is there any additional information you would like EOP to consider in determining your admission to the program?

trapped inside of the jack in a box

We are all unique in some way, but what makes me unique from other people is not that I am the captain of an athletic team, or that I have run for office in the school. What makes me different is that I am a positive person. In tough situations, I tend to always have a smile on my face even if it is fake because I don't like to put myself down or let myself give up.

When I first moved to the USA. I was bullied at my elementary school. I remember my bullies used to make fun of how I ran, and how I talked. This led me to think that I was a weakling and that I couldn't take a stand for myself. I didn't think that a new place would be so unwelcoming and when I saw all of this negativity around me, I hid myself like a jack in the box, but the difference was that the handle was broken. I used to put a fake smile on my face and act like as if I was the happiest person alive and had nothing to worry about in life. I let negativity take over me.

Eventually, I was tired of being trapped in the inside of the jack in a box. I wanted to figure out a way to be able to spring out again. I knew from the inside that I was not the person that I was displaying I was a whole different person.

My first step was to share my opinion in class regardless of having the fear that my classmates might disagree with me. I also started to answer questions even when I had the doubt that I might be wrong. By doing this I gained confidence in myself. I felt like a seed that had just been planted and was now going to blossom into a beautiful flower. From then and there, I never wanted to feel like a weakling again. I was able to turn my negativity into positivity and flip my world upside down.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,134 2300  
Feb 2, 2017   #2
Tayyaba, the first paragraph of your essay is not something that really sets you apart from the other applicants. You are not the only captain of a team, or student to have run for office who happens to be applying for admission to this school. I know, you are an immigrant, that doesn't make you unique either. That just makes you one of the many other immigrant applicants with similar credentials. That said, the sentences relating to that will not display something unique about you that the reviewer might be interested to learn about. Instead, focus on your statement about being a positive person and how your negative experience led you to eventually become a positive person. You don't need to add information to the essay if you don't want to. It is actually informative enough in its form without the first couple of sentences. It introduces a side of your personality to the reviewer that the other common apps would not have allowed you to discuss. If I were you, I would submit the edited format of this essay instead.

By the way, I kind of feel like, even though you can use this essay, you should try to come up with a second option for yourself. An essay that highlights something in terms of academic accomplishment or civic relations that would show the reviewer a side of your personality that could help to enhance the student community. Even a unique talent or skill would also be acceptable in this essay, as long as the information helps you stand out from the other applicants. Heck, you could even explain why your grades are not as high as you wish it could be. At the moment, I have a sense that this essay is not as strong as it can be because of the run of the mill topic that it discusses. Don't get me wrong though. You should use this essay is you want to. Don't let me pressure you into writing a different essay is you do not want to do that.
maitouyen1 8 / 19  
Feb 2, 2017   #3
Hi! Your work is really good but it has some problems.Firstly, grammatical problem.For example,
Eventually, I was tired of being trapped in the inside of the jack in a box (...)
you should not use past simple .Instead of yu should use simple present . Your idea should be more clearly, tell us more about yourself. .For example, your family, your work , your school. Third you have lexical problem. try to use another words such as Therefore , consequently, However,...use more words if you want your essay more unique.i agree with holt that you should use this essay for applicant

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