Bullying victim/Bunkmate/Sincere&Compassionate; Common app/Person who influenced

Hey. I'm an international student from Nigeria and essays are definitely not my strong point. Please help me edit. thanks in advance.

There was nothing extraordinary about Mary; she was just one of the many victims of bullying in my school. As one of the indigent students my school sponsors, she was ridiculed for the tattered clothes she wore and her lack of money. In the hostel, it was even worse as she was picked on for everything from her generic brand cereals to her rubber sandals. As her bunkmate, I heard every foul name she was called; all of which were rather false as her breath didn't stink and she was one of the neatest bunkmates I had ever had.

As the year went by, I got to know her more and discovered she was one of the most sincere and compassionate girls I had ever met. Without my telling her, she woke me up on nights before final exams to study and helped me keep an ironing space so I wouldn't have to wait through throngs of people before getting to iron. The bullying still went on and she faced it with a brave face. One day when I summoned the courage to ask her about it, she simply told me she knew it was a privilege for her to be in the school as many people from her background didn't get the opportunity and bullying was a small price to pay for it. I was immensely stunned by her maturity and courage and felt deeply ashamed as I recalled all the nights, as my conscience prickled, I laid in bed and listened to the vicious attacks of the bullies without saying anything in her defense.

Rather than standing up for what I know is right, I simply conformed to the general ritual of bullying indigent students and watched as unkind and fabricated words were said about a friend. I've always been shy and in the background merely watching, but Mary taught me that not partaking in a crime and watching but not doing anything to stop it is a crime in itself. Rather than turn a blind eye to the problem, steps need to be taken to end it. Although there is nothing I can do now to change my behavior then, I can strive to make sure I never remain quiet while I witness and unjust action being done.

notes and advice:
-i think you could use a more catchy first sentence to really grab the readers
-the first to paragraphs talk about Mary, colleges want to know about YOU!!!
-it sounds bad when you say "I simply conformed to the general ritual of bullying indigent students and watched as unkind and fabricated words were said about a friend" I dont think thats what colleges want to hear...

-i dont know if this is the best essay to send into a college. 1. it mostly talks about Mary, and when you do talk about yourself you say how instead of standing up for a friend, you just sit and watch her be bullied. This doesnt make you seem like the type of girl a college wants...

sorry for the harshness.