If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
Unexpected. Tragic. Heart-breaking. These are just a few ways to describe the death of my friend James Moffat. It was my first day of Spring Break, April 9th, 2009, when I got the devastating phone call that James was gone.
James and his friend were driving to Tampa, when control of the car was lost on an on-ramp for the highway. The car flipped several times before it crashed into the barricade. James was not wearing his seatbelt, and he was ejected from the car. He died at the hospital within a few hours.
The day before, he and I were chatting at lunch, like we always did, getting excited for the much needed vacation. Everything was normal. Less than 24 hours later, I found out that he was dead. I didn't know what to do; I just fell to the floor and broke down into tears. I desperately wanted to wake up from this terrible dream, but this was one nightmare that was going to haunt me forever.
I will never forget the precious times I spent with James. His death has made me realize that I can never take anyone I love for granted.
Wow. This experience must have been traumatizing.
I think that this is a good start, but you can definitely expand on how you felt. The most probable reason that the prompt questions a "bump in the road" is because the admin officers want to know how you deal with setbacks. You can do a much better job explaining that.
But so far, so good.
His death has made me realize that I can never take anyone I love for granted.
^Expand on this. Otherwise your essay has no purpose.
other than having to expand, how is grammar, punctuation, etc? is it good? lol
much- needed
Grammer is not my department :]
You have 50 more words. Expand.
Give more examples on how this experience changed you.
I agree. Expand more on how his death was an obstacle for you rather than on how he died.
Other than that, great essay so far--keep up the good work!
Very thoughtful.
I am impressed by how the essay opens. Very elaborate and vivid.
So far so good I would say.
Very deep! I did an essay about a passing and I know how hard it can be!
Bravo!
I agree, So far so good!
UCF essay improved...again
this can only be 250 words, so i fixed it up a tad. hopefully its good =)
If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
Unexpected, tragic, and heart-breaking. All of these thoughts come to mind when I think about the death of my friend James Moffat. It was my first day of Spring Break, April 9th, 2009, when I got the devastating phone call that James was gone.
James and his friend were driving to Tampa, when he lost control of the car on an entrance ramp for the highway. The car flipped several times before it crashed into the barricade. James was not wearing his seatbelt, and he was ejected from the car. He died at the hospital within a few hours.
The day before, he and I had been chatting at lunch, like usual, getting excited for the much needed vacation. Everything was normal. Less than 24 hours later, I found out that he was dead. I didn't know what to do; I was lost and in shock. I just fell to the floor and broke down into tears. I desperately wanted to wake up from this terrible dream, but it was a nightmare that was going to haunt me forever.
I will never forget the precious times I spent with James. His death has made me realize that I can never take anyone I love for granted. I have made more attempts to spend quality time with my family and friends. I used to feel like it was a burden to go run an errand with my mom, or help my sister with homework, but now I look forward to it.
please feel free to critique :)
Unexpected. Tragic. Heart-breaking.
Unexpected, tragic, and heart-breaking.
The original was stronger. You've got a sentence fragment either way, so you might as well go for maximum impact and stay with the original.
other than the first three words, hows the rest of it?
A very moving story. And it shows that you will be a strong student who will contribute to the university community how, exactly? You need to make sure you answer that question at the end of the essay, or as interesting and well-written as it may otherwise be, it will not be doing what you need it to do.
