120 lines, 80 characters
jk then, your essay's wayy shorter than that
you really need to start a new thread, that'll pass for this time tho...
a lot of use of you's, not a big fan of that.
try to make the overall tone a bit formal
For some students, the information retained might have made a small impact on their lives, but for most, it went through one ear and out the other, therefore having little or no effect.
so i take this as your thesis?
if not, then you need to make it your thesis. this essay feels a lot more like an informative/argumentative essay instead of narrative, so the last sentence in the intro has to be the topic sentence of the entire essay
With eating disorders, mental, physical and sexual abuse, bullying
lol, bullying has eating disorders?
music is always there
I thought that your concern was assemblies? or loss of confidence? or bullying? it's very confusing...
Suffering from depression and being a victim of emotional abuse and abandonment,
because this is the part where you get to the personal, I take this as the focal point of your essay. If this is the case, then you need to put in the intro: Many suffer from depression and blabla to make sure that the reader understand what your concern actually is.
The assembly part seems solely an attention catcher...which is more confusing than eye-catching. So are assemblies good? Nonetheless, there's a dramatic shift of focus in the middle of the essay, you suddenly began talking about music...why not start with it?
It feels...that the essay has been quickly put together on a topic that you are not completely sure about, thus the "caulfield"-like digressions. It's not personal enough and the reader doesn't feel how you care in about the problem, since in the short 3rd paragraph/conclusion in which you talk about how you were personally impacted...you cover the music part only.
I'd suggest that you start by talking how you've experience the bad things in a wayyy more detailed and emotional way, then move to the big picture, then talk about how music might change it, then end with your plans for teh future.
It'll take some time and effort; if you don't have enough...what can i tell u? i mean, i get that we're procrastinators, but like in economics, there's an opportunity cost for everything!