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"She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1


emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #1
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

this is all i have so far.

All throughout receiving an education, there is one thing that I can fully recall; assemblies. They started when I was just a little tot and have not changed in anyway shape or form since (besides different presenters). The main purpose of a great portion of the assemblies was to inform children and adolescents about the side effects of drinking and driving, doing drugs, and/or having unprotected sex. For some students, the information retained might have made a small impact on their lives, but for most, it went through one ear and out the other, therefore having little or no effect.

This is a great issue of importance to me because I feel that low self-esteem has a much bigger impact on children and adolescents in this time period. With eating disorders, mental, physical and sexual abuse, bullying at school and neglect becoming more and more widespread, low self-esteem is on a rise. We mistakenly compare how we feel with how others behave. Inevitably, most others will behave more happily than we feel. So we conclude that no one else could feel as bad as we do. This creates a vicious circle and our self-esteem drops further, and no one ever acknowledges this. Music, I feel, is the voice of your heartbeat and the sound of your feelings. A person can relate to music in some way or another. Whether it is just everyday listening (while driving, shopping, reading, etc.), religion purposes or another type of reasoning, music is always there .When a person is feeling depressed, he or she can listen to a song that has a meaning of how they are feeling inside, or has a way of brightening them up and making them feel how they want to feel; happy and hopeful. Another instance would be if an individual is getting ready to go out for a night on the town, they will most likely listen to music that get's them in a "get-up-and-go" mood. Not something that is mellow. What do these subjects have to do with assemblies at school you ask?

Suffering from depression and being a victim of emotional abuse and abandonment, I have had my fair share of low self esteem matters. Music has always been a huge part of my life, well-being, and has been the one thing that has kept me relevantly sane. With music also being an enormous par t of today's society, I feel it should be incorporated in schools, not only in music courses or for entertainment use, but in assemblies as well. I feel if modern bands are brought to schools and play about self-esteem issues, then the students will actually listen and be affected. Low self esteem is usually the reason children and adolescents turn to drugs, alcohol and sex. But if we conquer the reasoning behind it in the first place, then the predicaments will most likely reduce and we will be closer to becoming a utopian society.

will someone help me and my brain fart and give me suggestions to what i do have

jjeff 4 / 9  
Dec 6, 2009   #2
Throughout our lives , we come across a person who changes our view on living, hopefully, for the better. Sometimes this person has been there since the get-go and we know right from the start that he or she is going to be very special to us. At least, that's how it turned out for me. She (who is she? subject never mentioned previously. It would be effective if you explicitly tell who she is) has shown me that there's a bigger purpose for life other than just eating, breathing and sleeping, the biological purpose of living. She's shown me love, pain, happiness, faith, and acceptance. She's taught me how to get up and go after I've been hurt, and she's helped me discover how much potential I have within myself. She's reminded me that I need to live for myself . All this of which she had no idea she was doing. (confusing?)

On January 31, 2000 Shay Elizabeth Shadwick was born at 7:06 a.m. She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy and as soon as I walked into the delivery room after she came into this thing we call the "world", a feeling I had never felt before ran through my veins. I was so overwhelmed by the sight of my little sister that I set off to the trolley that she was placed in, I hovering over her, amazed at what I saw : a naked, wrinkled, squirmy little miracle who clenched my pinky with all her might that she had contained in her tiny hands. However, this wasn't the first thing that was evidence to an extraordinary bond between two sisters. Even before my mom took the pregnancy test that uncovered the marvel that was going to take place, I knew. (elaborate) I don't know how I knew, but I did. (not necessary?) It was just a feeling deep down in my gut. I was an eight year old girl who just innocently told my mommy one day that she was going to have a baby. My mom was flabbergasted by this notion that she began to think about how things with her have been physically lately and began to consider my

Just some grammar problems and opinions.

Good luck!
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #3
Thanks you!

I'm so confused on what to do because I want this to stand out and be an inspiration in some sort,
but as Noiresia said "the people reading your paper give it only a glance"
I want to go into grave detail, but i dont wan't to be boring and drag on.
also, im not too sure how long my essay should be. :/

JJeff- as for this part " All this of which she had no idea she was doing. (confusing?)" meaning she had no clue she was so importanat to me. And just by being herself she has made such an impact on my life.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #4
nevermind the websit says: "If you are submitting your essay online, it must be no longer than 120 eighty-character lines of text (including spaces and blank lines)."

generally how many words is that?
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #5
120 eighty-character lines

so pretty much a bit less than...1500 words. don't worry, you'll have enough words, my essay was around 600 words and wayyyyy below the limit.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #6
hmmm I am worried though! haha
I already have 378 words..and I think im not even a quarter done.
I suppose i don't know though because i'm writting as it comes to mind.
ahhh poo! haha..
you said your essay was around 600 words..did you make it in?
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #7
yea, last friday.

but my scores kinda helped. ut was my backup (it's not showing off, just giving you a realistic portrait) - i kinda blew off that particular essay. my other ones were a lot better

compared to mine, yours is definitely a lot more defining and strong

so what major are you applying to? i did mccombs and plan II
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #8
I am planning on applying to College of Communication and majoring in public relations.
and possibly minor in psychology.
at least that's my plan. :p
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 6, 2009   #9
is that your top choice? cuz purely from your writing style, i think you can aim for higher.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 6, 2009   #10
well, you see I have a plan that I choose not to disclose. haha
With what I want to do with my plan, I will enjoy. It inspires me and I feel I can make a difference with it. Writting, yea, I may be good at it, but only to a certain extent. I'm not passionate about it therefor i don't feel I should embrace it.

Just out of curiosity though, what do you think I should go for?
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 7, 2009   #11
Just out of curiosity though, what do you think I should go for?

nono, that's not what i meant. with my poor knowledge of literature, i can honestly NOT tell your character from your essay, so i definitely can't make some arrogant claim on what to do with your future.

what i meant is whether UT is your top choice. from your style, i can tell that you are not a common applicant. it's not just the writing, but also the way you capture the reader, which is definitely a lost art. so i kinda assumed that you are aiming for a higher college, not major or anything.

ps, i kinda wanted to do psychology so that i can read minds (yea, it was a couple of years ago...) but then dad told me that it's hard to get a job and most likely low-paid, so i chose something opposite: CEO hahaha
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 7, 2009   #12
hmm, i guess i never really thought i was that good. =/
but yes, psychology is low paying. thats why im minoring in it :p
i just want the background because i find it completely interesting and, as i have said before, with what i have planned, it seems to come in handy.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 7, 2009   #13
hmm, i guess i never really thought i was that good.

haha, i'm not simply praising you for the sake of it. i just really enjoy your very special way of talking about a very common topic (family member essays are very hard to write, since so many do their essays on that), but you pulled off the start really well.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 7, 2009   #14
yes! lets just pray the middle and ending are just as well written! hahah
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 7, 2009   #15
yea, remember that every sentence matter and that you are NOT losing the momentum or focus at ANY point. Don't put generic statements that everyone else can. Every sentence has to apply to you only.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 7, 2009   #16
&& that's what i plan on doing. :) i will be putting an update on here soon.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 11, 2009   #17
Throughout our lives, we come across a person who changes our view on living, hopefully, for the better. Sometimes this person has been there since the get-go and we know right from the start that he or she is going to be very special to us. At least, that's how it turned out for me.

well, here you kinda repeat the prompt

On January 31, 2000 Shay Elizabeth Shadwick was born at 7:06 a.m. She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy and as soon as I walked into the delivery room, after she came into this thing we call the "world", a feeling I have never felt before ran through my veins.

much more powerful if used as a start

a quick skim of the essay shows that you don't really focus on what your sister's psychological impact on you, except that she loves you and provides you with emotional support, which is great, but not personal enough

your description of your sis' birth is great, and you capture the reader by describing the special bond, but WHY is this so special? can't just be love, or crying, or hugging. it has to be somewhat analytical.

you need to give more specific examples on how your sister was significant to you, other than she is because she's your sister.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #18
1 thing: you sure this fit the character limit?

out of curiosity, why does your sister has a different last name than you?

after I've been hurt

I was hurt
if you were to stick with have been, it HAS to be spelled out

She's

she has
- i'll stop correcting those things, you get the idea

About a week later she announced she was pregnant

lol i think it's pretty funny that she thought about it, then became pregnant immediately after

She was talking on the phone, sitting on a lawn chair on the porch with a bottle of Texas Rosé from the local winery a few blocks down, when shay and I asked if we could play outside; she said no. Knowing of our mom's state, I was too young to know what to do about it, and because of this, I became frustrated, feeling worthless and helpless. When she said no I grew angry and told Shay to come upstairs and we'll play in my room

you could shorten this, since it's details not so essential
it's good, but at this point, the reader's kinda tired, so you don't want to add encumbering details

They asked if Dena Shadwick lived here, I said yes she does, and then they asked where she was, I told, and at that time escorted them to the back door, opened it and Shay ran up crying, and clutched onto my leg.

this is some really weird sentence structure. I think i get it, but make it more concise? like instead of "I said yes she does, and then they asked where she was, I told, and at that time escorted them to the back door" maybe say "I led them to where my mom was, and..." also, add "my sister called the police" somewhere cuz it's kinda confusing

yet gifted child she is,

i don't think you need this, you conveyed this through the story, and if you just say it, it loses power

overall, great essay!
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 13, 2009   #19
yang
1 thing: you sure this fit the character limit?
just barely haha, it was 1182 characters, but i am going to shorten "She was talking on the phone, sitting on a lawn chair on the porch with a bottle of Texas Rosé from the local winery a few blocks down, when shay and I asked if we could play outside; she said no. Knowing of our mom's state, I was too young to know what to do about it, and because of this, I became frustrated, feeling worthless and helpless. When she said no I grew angry and told Shay to come upstairs and we'll play in my room"

she also has a different last name because we are half sisters..should i incoprorate that as well?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 13, 2009   #20
Don't forget to capitalize Shay's name:

In Del Rio, Texas, on a warm April night in 2005, my sister and I were done with our homework, finished dinner, and had our rooms cleaned. We wanted to go outside and have some sisterly bonding time on the trampoline that was set in our back yard. Our mom's depression had been at an all-time high lately; drinking an increasing amount of wine, mood swings, and suffering from bulimia. When Shay and I asked ...

Below, I'll remove a sentence that I think is not helpful:
...saw that it was policemen. They asked if XXXXXXXX lived here, I said yes she does, and then led them to where my mom was. When I opened the ...
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #21
she also has a different last name because we are half sisters..should i incoprorate that as well?

no, you did mention the divorce stuff, plus it's not really important

1182 characters

you mean words? cuz your essay's 6k characters, but i think that might be barely the limit. don't they ask for xx line of 80 characters?

your essay's long, but pretty fun to read. i'd just make sure to go over it again and take out ANY details that might distract the reader.
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 14, 2009   #22
that's what i was figuring

yes, its 120 lines, 80 characters, you told me previously in the thread that, that was about 1200 words correct?
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 14, 2009   #23
120 lines, 80 characters

jk then, your essay's wayy shorter than that

Next Prompt!

you really need to start a new thread, that'll pass for this time tho...

a lot of use of you's, not a big fan of that.

try to make the overall tone a bit formal

For some students, the information retained might have made a small impact on their lives, but for most, it went through one ear and out the other, therefore having little or no effect.

so i take this as your thesis?
if not, then you need to make it your thesis. this essay feels a lot more like an informative/argumentative essay instead of narrative, so the last sentence in the intro has to be the topic sentence of the entire essay

With eating disorders, mental, physical and sexual abuse, bullying

lol, bullying has eating disorders?

music is always there

I thought that your concern was assemblies? or loss of confidence? or bullying? it's very confusing...

Suffering from depression and being a victim of emotional abuse and abandonment,

because this is the part where you get to the personal, I take this as the focal point of your essay. If this is the case, then you need to put in the intro: Many suffer from depression and blabla to make sure that the reader understand what your concern actually is.

The assembly part seems solely an attention catcher...which is more confusing than eye-catching. So are assemblies good? Nonetheless, there's a dramatic shift of focus in the middle of the essay, you suddenly began talking about music...why not start with it?

It feels...that the essay has been quickly put together on a topic that you are not completely sure about, thus the "caulfield"-like digressions. It's not personal enough and the reader doesn't feel how you care in about the problem, since in the short 3rd paragraph/conclusion in which you talk about how you were personally impacted...you cover the music part only.

I'd suggest that you start by talking how you've experience the bad things in a wayyy more detailed and emotional way, then move to the big picture, then talk about how music might change it, then end with your plans for teh future.

It'll take some time and effort; if you don't have enough...what can i tell u? i mean, i get that we're procrastinators, but like in economics, there's an opportunity cost for everything!
OP emma41192 1 / 11  
Dec 14, 2009   #24
my concern is that assemblies only talk about sex drugs and alcohol. but there is a much bigger issue; low self esteem. which is a side effect of eating disorders, being bullied at school, abandonment, neglect, ect.

but music is a wonderful therapuic to this.
therefore it should be incorporated into schools because that is where it would have a greater effect on children and adolescents...anddd wouldnt be wasting their time...

ya know?
...
this was just a VERY quick draft...
basically, i am begging somone to be wonderful and use this as an outline and write it out possibly. because im trying to deal with the news of my tumor and my mind is all jumbled up.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 14, 2009   #25
this was just a VERY quick draft...

yea...that's kinda the problem

because it was done so quickly, and so blatantly (sry for the word, but I really need to convey that a quick essay IS not the way to go, even if you run out of time), your point really can't be conveyed. So again, I wanna reemphasize that it's much better, and easier, to simply talk about the problem of the sex, drugs and alcohol, without going the roundabout way of the assembly stuff

therefore it should be incorporated into schools because that is where it would have a greater effect on children and adolescents...anddd wouldnt be wasting their time...

so no more assemblies? lol that'd be weird...sitting in the fine-art performance hall listening to mozart...not very realistic lol

basically, i am begging somone to be wonderful and use this as an outline and write it out possibly. because im trying to deal with the news of my tumor and my mind is all jumbled up.

O, so the tumor thing is actually real? You've got my sympathies...but sry girl, it's a busy time for everyone, and it's very unlikely that you'll have someone writing your essay out for you tonight...that's the extent of my help to you...after all, it's a personal essay.


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