Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I'd like to tell you a little about my world: I was born and raised in Burbank, California, a suburb about fifteen miles north of Los Angeles. Burbank is a safe community with good public schools and a "small town feel." I attended public schools, as did most of my friends from my neighborhood. I know this is sounding like your typical suburban teenage life, but as we all know, everyone has a unique story to tell, so let me continue. My world begins with my family: the foundation for who I am. I have always felt fortunate to have the parents that I do. My parents have taught me important life lessons like being a good person, being kind and honest, and of all that they shared, I most remember them telling me, "dream limitless and know you can be and do anything you put your mind to." They taught me important lessons that I'll always carry with me such as the importance of hard work, assertiveness, and perseverance.
Growing up I was somewhat shy and reserved but I learned if I asserted myself I could achieve what I didn't think was possible. My dad encouraged me to take an advanced art class and from this I discovered my artistic talent. My mom encouraged me to be physically active and she taught me the importance of staying healthy, which is why I went out for football and the track team. Like most parents, they also emphasized the "importance of education." I understand what they meant is if I do well in school, work to my fullest potential, and expand my knowledge, the better chance I'll have for a successful future. They understood this life lesson despite never attending college themselves. I didn't always follow their advice as closely as I should have and I made mistakes. I guess this is part of growing up. I was maturing, and along the way my thirst for knowledge grew.
I wanted to learn about art, history, literature, physics, politics and a myriad of other topics. I've found I enjoy reading about history and discussing political issues. I discovered it is important to me that I understand current events and how they affect the world as a whole and not just how they affect "my world." I've learned it is my responsibility as part of the next generation to contribute ideas and form opinions and views of how the world should be.
My friends also played a significant role in shaping my world. Many of them have goals much like my own. I can see them being successful in the future and this has motivated me to stay focused on schoolwork. I have also learned from their successes and failures. I've seen a friend grow from the "shy little kid" to the "choir star" and another friend change from "fun-loving" to depressed and unhappy with life. Having a friend I care about who has made poor choices in life and gone through serious hardships has altered the way I view the world. It feels like some of our childhood innocence has been taken from us. It has changed my outlook on life watching him battle clinical depression and the death of a brother. I've learned not everything in life will be fair, and we will be confronted with unexpected challenges, but it's how we choose to overcome those challenges and persevere that will define us and what we're capable of. Through my relationship with my close friends I've learned how to stay positive and motivated, face some of life's challenges, stand strong, and move on.
Does anyone have any critiques? I know it's not amazing but it's probably what I'm submitting...
It's good, but you should avoid talking to the reader directly in your introduction. It makes them feel personally pointed out and is really awkward. Also, go through your essay and edit wordy bits like "I discovered it is important to me that I" because it not only wastes precious words but delays your points of the essay. Try to improve your voice- let them hear your personality through the way you choose your words and order your phrases. I think it's strong but if you do these things well it will make you stand out from the crowd.
I agree with misserinlee9. You have a good essay, but it is lacking voice. When i read it, it seemed as if you were just stating things about yourself. The details were good, but there werent any emotions behnd them
