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"The #1 Bus Boy"-my work experience essay


eaglez1177 2 / 6  
Sep 1, 2009   #1
Tell me what you guys think. Thanks!

Nearly every waiter, waitress, and manager refers to me as "The #1 Bus Boy", a proud title I have acquired over the years at the Allendale Bar & Grill, a local restaurant. I pace around through the restaurant, eyes keen and searching for the next plate to be cleared, table to be cleaned, or favor to be given. My hard work, focus, and desire to help customers and staff alike has resulted in extra tips in my pocket (a rarity among bus boys), shorter waiting lists, a clean and organized workplace, and countless thank you's. For five hours I work quickly and swiftly, constantly striving to make the "AB&G" a place with excellent service, attitude, and cleanliness. My knees are weak and tired by the end of the night, but with that feeling I know I've made quite the difference.
itsjenbaby 1 / 2  
Sep 1, 2009   #2
I really like it, but there is one thing i would consider changing:

"I pace around through the restaurant, eyes keen and searching for the next plate to be cleared, table to be cleaned, or favor to be given."

instead of using the word given, i would replace it with "to offer."

"... or favor to offer."
or even
"... hand to lend."
it's your choice, though i do feel it flows better with one of the two.

Other than that everything looks great to me. Keep up the good work! :) and return the advice if you have time.
CalLover 2 / 14  
Sep 1, 2009   #3
(a rarity among bus boys)
I think this should be deleted.

I think "AB&G"
should be spelled out
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 1, 2009   #4
I pace around through the restaurant, with my eyes keen and searching for the next plate to be cleared, table to be cleaned, or favor to be given. My hard work, focus, and desire to help customers and staff alike has resulted in extra tips in my pocket (a rarity among bus boys) , shorter waiting lists, a clean and organized workplace, and countless thank you's. For five hours I work quickly and swiftly, constantly striving to make the "AB&G" a clean place with excellent service, attitude, and cleanliness . My knees are weak and tired by the end of the night, but with that feeling I know I've made quite the difference.

*Favor?
*I think it should be 'Thank you's. I really do not know how to punctuate that in plural form...

I think "AB&G"
should be spelled out

^I think it can remain AB & G, but there is no need for the speech marks.
*Your ending is fine, but I think that there is scope for a more powerful and effective final line.
zhoudongzhou 5 / 16  
Sep 1, 2009   #5
I think you may add more detail for the ending.
dccb 1 / 10  
Sep 2, 2009   #6
Hey,
The writing has a nice flow. I am learning how to write essays and mostly everywhere, I see they follow this structure:

(Just to give you an example)

Introduction:
Nearly every waiter, waitress, and manager refers to me as "The #1 Bus Boy," a proud title I have acquired over the years at the Allendale Bar & Grill, a local restaurant. The qualities that define me as the "The #1 Bus Boy," are: Always willing to help, organization, and hard work.

Support Paragraph 1:
(Now here you start describing, always willing to help, etc and then give examples)

Support Paragraph 2:
(Now here you start describing, organization, etc and then give examples)

Support Paragraph 3:
(Now here you start describing, hard work, etc and then give examples)

Support Paragraph, as many as you need

Conclusion:
Then finish with, how this makes you feel that you make a difference, etc

Like I said, this is coming from a novice and I apologize if my information is misleading.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 2, 2009   #7
The writing has a nice flow. I am learning how to write essays and mostly everywhere, I see they follow this structure:

That's a fine structure for a TOEFL, CBEST, IELTS, SAT, or basic composition essay. But this lively little piece is just fine, assuming that it just one part of an application package that includes at least one more complete essay.


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