I'm using this as my essay for the UC application prompt 2 and I think I want to use it as my common app essay too. It's a bit long (741) but any input would be appreciated. Let me know if you think the length will be an issue or if it's interesting enough to leave as is.
Last September, I stepped off a bus in southern Italy and greeted the family I was to live with for the following ten months. They spoke very little English and I spoke no Italian, but that was just one of the many cultural differences that I encountered during my time there. Martina Franca, the small town I lived in, was known for being full of closed-minded people who dressed the same, thought the same, and followed the same traditions that have been passed down for generations. Most of the people who live there have never left, and probably never will, so it's hard to break through the opinions that have formed over time. I went with an exchange program called AFS, whose motto is "connecting lives, sharing cultures," and I feel like that's exactly what I accomplished on my exchange year.
A lot of people there seemed surprised by my ambitious spirit, which the Italians didn't consider as normal for a teenage girl. On my first day of school, I told my class that I was a soccer player, and they didn't believe me. "Girls don't play sports. Soccer is a sport for men," was their response. I explained that I had played since I was young, and that it wasn't so unusual in America. They still seemed skeptical, and they just laughed when I asked if I could play with their team in the school tournament; but when one team member got sick on game day, they got desperate and asked me to play.
The other team was high-fiving each other when I stepped onto the field, laughing about what an easy win it would be, and it was obvious that my teammates were regretting their decision to let me play. But when the game started I held my own, and the shocked looks that I got every time I did something right were so satisfying; I felt like I was actually changing something. We won the game, and I earned some new respect from my classmates. After just a couple weeks, I was invited to play in almost all of the games in the tournament. Players came up to me after games and complimented me on my skills, or told me I was brave to be the first girl to ever play in their tournaments. When I met new people around town, many of them already knew me as that American girl who played soccer with the guys; I was proud to know that I had challenged their stereotype and made a commotion.
My P.E. teacher at school somehow heard that I had been playing with my class's team, so one day she decided that we would all play soccer, even the girls. My classmates actually enjoyed it, and a few even discovered that they had some natural talent. We asked our P.E. teacher to help us start a girls' tournament like the one that the guys had, so she started playing soccer with all of her classes and encouraged girls to sign up. I recruited some of my friends as well, and although we only had a few teams and we weren't very good, we all had fun and I helped quite a few girls realize that they were capable of more than they thought. I took a chance, stepped out of my comfort zone, and challenged a stereotype that no one had ever thought to challenge.
For much of the time I spent in Italy, I was a follower. I wasn't used to stepping out of the leadership position, but sometimes I had to resist the temptation to jump in and tell my peers how I would do things. I found a balance: I set aside some of my own tendencies in order to better understand the Italian culture, but at the same time I helped my peers understand my culture and how it differs from theirs. I hope to continue learning about others in a university where I will be challenged--by my peers, my professors, and my field of study--to step out of my comfort zone and explore, perhaps even change, other people's ideas. I've realized that one person can make a real difference, and now I have greater expectations for myself. I know that a good higher education will be important if I want to fulfill those expectations, and I'm eager to learn as much as I can about the world around me.
so it's hard to break through the opinions that have formed over time---add "they" before "have"...it's not grammatically incorrect the way it is now, but i feel you should just make it clear who it is that have formed the opinions...
Okay, first of all, i simply had to post on your thread since i am a soccer addict... i spend half my days playing or watching football... But getting back to the work at hand, i believe your essay doesn't need any further work in terms of error removals. There was a very nice flow to it and painted a real picture of your challenging the societal norms there and succeeding against the odds...I would be better able to suggest any further improvements if you specified the prompt you were answering( both commonapp and Uc application)
